Dealing With Difficult People

Introduction

Good morning. If you’ll open in your Old Testament with me to 1 Samuel chapter 25. 1 Samuel chapter 25. Of all the things that are difficult, of all in life that is hard to understand, difficult to deal with, frustrating to be around. It’s said that of any church will have problems because there are people there. And people bring problems. One of the most difficult things in life is dealing with other people. It’s not just trying to figure out what is somebody else thinking or what is somebody else thinking about what I’m saying or how I’m looking or how I’m presenting myself. But in particular, how do we deal with somebody who is just naturally difficult? Insert in law whatever joke you want in there. How do you deal with difficult people?

I tried it with Ken before, but I learned that lesson from the Proverbs. A couple people were there. In 1 Samuel chapter 25, though, Abigail, a not so well-known Old Testament character, deals with two of the most difficult type of people to deal with. There are. She deals with a fool, who is her husband, whose name Nabal means fool, and also she deals with David, who at that time is a person who is acting rashly, acting out of anger and frustration. And if we’re honest, when we consider what are the most difficult types of people to deal with, it is either people who are acting rashly, speaking or acting out of anger, or people who just naturally can’t help it but to be foolish, we might say.

Then David rose and went down to the wilderness of Paran. And there was a man in Maoan whose business was in Kermel. The man was very rich. He had 3,000 sheep and a thousand goats. He was shearing his sheep in Carmoh. Now the name of the man was Nabal and the name of his wife Abigail. The woman was discerning and beautiful, but the man was harsh and badly behaved. He was a Calebite. David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep, so David sent ten young men. And David said to the young men, Go up to Carmel and go to Nabal and greet him in my name. And thus you shall greet him. Peace be to you, and peace to your house, and peace be to all that you have.

I knew that you have shearers. Now your shepherds have been with us, and we did them no harm. And they missed nothing all the time they were in Caramel. Ask your young men, and they will tell you. Therefore, let my young men find favor in your eyes, for we come on a feast day. Please give whatever you have at hand to your servants and to your son David. As we’re examining the story, it starts out pretty easily, but I do want to stop and note the descriptions of the people. We see in verse 2 that this man named Nabal was described how? As being very rich. He is exceedingly wealthy. Now, why he’s wealthy, we’re going to get to in a moment, but we see that he is incredibly wealthy.

But then note the personal descriptions in verse 3. You have his wife who is discerning and beautiful. That is the koshka of the story. Insert Brownie points laugh here, right? She was discerning. She was wise. She was mentally and physically beautiful. But then note Nabal’s description. The man was harsh. The man was badly behaved. I won’t have to parallel who that leaves means fool. It would be somebody who acts harshly, who acts poorly, who acts rashly, even. So David has this request for this man named Nabal, who is exceedingly wealthy, and he says, as you go through those first several verses, you see, here’s a rich man, and David just needs some help. He wants to help, he wants to receive help from Nabal, whom he first has already helped.

You see that closely in verse 7 and 8. This is a pivotal part of the story. In verse 7, what did he say? I hear that you have shearers. Now your shepherds have been with us. We did them no harm. They missed nothing all the time they were in caramel. Ask your young men, and they will tell you. So please take care of my men. We have helped you. In fact, when you think about his business, it was David and his men who were protecting Nabal’s business interest. Nabal, you might say, on some sort of ethical grounds, owed David the service, let alone kindness, love, sacrifice. But you see, then as you pick up in verse 9, Nabal acts as you would expect he would. He rejects David like a fool.

Pick up the reading in verse 9. When David’s young men came, they said all this to Nabal in the name of David, and then they waited. And Nabal answered David’s servants, Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants these days who are breaking away from their masters. Shall I take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shears and give it to men who come from where I do not know where? So David’s young men turned away and came back and told him all this. And David said to his men, Every man strap on his sword, and every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword, and about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.

You see, Nabal didn’t just refuse David. He insultingly requested of him in verse 10, you might say, Who is David? Who is Jesse that he should come to me for help? And of course, verse 11 is just good advice. If you say I that many times in a negative way, you’re probably like Nabal. See in verse 11. Shall I take my bread, my water, and my meat that I have killed for my shares and give it to men from I don’t know where? Do you see Nabal was caught up with who? Me, my, I, mine. That’s not how a kind, let alone Christian person lives. That’s not how a kind normal person would live. At least one who realizes a request from David and his men who had been taking care of Nabal’s interest so that he had me, mine to share or not share.

David’s request is rejected. But not only is it rejected, what does David go to do? You see, in verses 12 and 13, he says, Okay, we’re going to take care of this problem. And verse 12, he takes all his young men, and he says, in 13, every man’s trap on his sword, and he’s going to come to him with four hundred men. This is a disaster in the waiting. This is a disaster in the making as well. Because when you think about Nabal and David, what do you have? You have your two people. You have the one who’s acting out of anger and frustration, whether or not he had a right to what was Nabal’s doesn’t even matter. And you had Nabal who was a fool.

And when a fool and somebody acting rashly get together, big problems happen. The good news is there is somebody else in the story, and this is where Abigail kicks back in in verse 14. But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to greet our master, and he railed at them. Yet the men were very good to us, and we suffered no harm. We did not miss anything when we were in the fields, as long as we went with them. They were a wall to us, both by night and by day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. Now therefore know this and consider what you should do, for harm is determined against our master and against all his house, and he is such a worthless man that one cannot speak to him.

Then Abigail made haste and took two hundred loaves, and two skins of wine and five sheep already prepared, and five salves of parched grain, and a hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on donkeys. And she said to her young men, Go on before me, behold, I come after you. But she did not tell her husband Nabal. As she rode on the donkey and came down under the cover of the mountain, behold, David and his men came down toward her, and she met them. Now David had said, Surely in vain have I guarded all that this fellow has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that belong to him, and he has returned me evil for good.

God do so to the enemies of David, and more also, if by morning I leave so much as one male of all who belong to him. You see David’s problem, by the way, in verse 21. Do you see that tucked in the end? Why is he mad? Why is he angry? His perception, whether rightfully or wrongfully so, is Nabal has returned me evil for good. Isn’t that the worst? Isn’t that the most difficult when you deal with somebody who you’ve not only just been neutral towards, you’ve been kind to, you’ve been giving to. And it seems like they repay you evil for good. But note some of the steps of Abigail here. If you note in verse 18, as she hears a report from the servants in verses 14 through 17, she actually takes their counsel, and what does she do right away?

She does not delay. In verse 14, then Abigail made haste. See, one of the ways to deal with difficult people is to get going right away. Do you see how Abigail shows that? And she doesn’t just go out. She has a plan, and she executes that plan immediately. It doesn’t sit, it doesn’t simmer, she doesn’t wait for the right time, or for Nabal to cool off, or for David to get more angry. She acts right away. But then as you keep reading, then you see in verse 23, what did she do? When Abigail saw David, she hurried and got down from the donkey and fell before David on her face and bowed to the ground. She was willing to humble herself before David. We could talk about David’s stature and how Abigail could or should bow down to him.

The point is, whose problem was this? Nabal’s problem. But if you look back at verse 17, Nabal’s folly, Nabal’s foolish behavior was going to impact who? Not just Nabal, but his house and all the servants that were therein. Nabal’s foolishness had lasting implications that went beyond him and David. David was going to come and wipe out all the males. You see that promise of David in verse 22. So Abigail is willing to act humbly. She’s willing to submit herself to David and to call upon him for mercy. But then in verse 24, you see how else this goes. She fell at his feet and said, On me alone, my Lord, be the guilt. Please, let your servant speak in your ears and hear the words of your servant.

Let not my Lord regard this worthless fellow Nabal. For as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him, or fool is his name, and folly is with him. But I, your servant, did not see the young men of my Lord whom you sent. Now then, my lord, as the Lord lives and as your soul lives, because the Lord has restrained you from blood guilt and from saving with your own hand. Now then let your enemies and those who seek to do evil to my Lord be as Nabal. And now let this present that your servant has brought to my Lord be given to the young men who follow my Lord. Please forgive the trespass of your servant, for the Lord will certainly make my Lord a sure house, because my Lord is fighting the battles of the Lord, and evil shall not be found in you as long as you live.

If men rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, the life of my Lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living and the care of the Lord your God. And the lives of your enemies he shall sling out as from the hollow of a sling. And when the Lord has done to my Lord, according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you, and has appointed you prince over Israel, my Lord shall have no cause of grief or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause, or for my Lord working salvation within himself. And when the Lord has dwelt well with my Lord, then remember your servant. I want to break down a little bit quickly here how Abigail deals with David.

Yes, she comes to him humbly, and yes, she puts herself literally, as verse 24 says, at his feet. But note in verse 24, what does she do? She doesn’t just humble herself before David. What does she say in verse 24? On me alone. On me alone, my Lord, be the guilt. Blame me. That’s pretty hard to do. If you’re in between Nabal and David, and we’re going to talk about David’s problems in a minute, that Abigail is also unafraid to point out. How easy or difficult would you say it is to get in the middle and say, you know what? This plan, this man that I have no fault in, this is my fault. Blame me. Charge me with this guilt. That’s really difficult. But Abigail is acting out of wisdom, out of love, and a willing to act sacrificially.

But notice as you continue on, what does she do in verse 26? The Lord has restrained you from blood guilt. Who is she talking to? On her feet. She’s talking to David, the one who’s going to bring this 400 men and wipe out the house, the household of Nabal. And she comes to him and says, You are going to be guilty of blood. You are going to be charged with this sin before your God. Let it not be so. Don’t do this, David. If you stick with the Lord and you show patience and mercy and kindness, the Lord will be with you. You will have victory because the Lord will give you victory if you submit to him. As you continue on in verse 30, when the Lord has done to my Lord according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you, and notice what she knows, has appointed you prince over Israel.

My Lord shall have no cause of grief or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause or for my Lord working salvation himself. She says, You will regret this, David. Don’t act like this. Not only does she come and take the blame, not only does she humbly step in between her foolish husband who she deems so, Nabal, but she throws herself at the feet of David and appeals to him not just for mercy, but to remember his Lord. She’s telling him, Remember what truly matters, David. Recognize what is important, and who you are meant to be, and who we are meant to serve. Of course, as we continue on, remember, Abigail did this without Nabal’s blessing, without his knowledge, even in verse 32, David says, Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me.

Blessed be your discretion, and blessed be you who have kept me this day from blood guilt and from working salvation with my own hand. For as surely as the Lord the God of Israel lives, who has restrained me from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me, truly by mourning. There have not been left to Nabal so much as one male. David says, I have answered your petition, go in peace. And of course, Abo comes to Nabal telling him the great news, and where do we find him in verse 36? He is described in the text as being very drunk. So she waits for the morning, and then she tells him the good news in verse 37. And his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.

And about ten days later the Lord struck Nabal and he died. And you see from the following out of the text that David picks Abigail to be his wife. And she continues on with David. But if you note David’s response, what is he focused on? Just like Abigail is, not just saying, okay, I’ll relent. You have kept me from blood guilt. You have kept me from pangs of conscience. You have stepped up. But again, remember when Abigail moved in haste in verse 18? What did David say was so important? In verse 34, as surely as the God of Israel lives, who has restrained me from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me. There would not have been so much as one male left in the household of Nabal.

1. Selfishness Makes Everything Worse

The haste matters. Taking care of the problems before they get worse, before they fester, before irreconcilable and irrevocable actions happen. You have to step up and step in right away. Consider three lessons this morning. Lessons from a difficult situation where Abigail was dealing with truly difficult people. First and foremost, selfishness makes everything worse. You see, we’re going to put ourselves in the part in the story in the part of Abigail because everyone likes to be the hero. Everyone likes to be discerning and beautiful. Am I right, men? Discerning and beautiful is what we like to feel like. That was funny. Everyone can laugh. But Nabal wasn’t like that. Too often I’m like Nabal. I act selfishly. And sometimes in America, we like to say, Well, that’s my right to say no, it’s my right to do as I feel.

But go back to verse 11. What was he saying again? We remember his actions. He had said in verse 10, who is David? Who is the son of Jesse that I’m going to share what is mine with him? In verse 11, again, shall I take my bread and my water and my meat that I’ve killed from my shares and give it to men who come from I do not know where? What was the impact of his selfishness? In verse 17, as his servants are going and speaking with Abigail, what is the report? Now therefore know this and consider what you should do, for harm is determined against our master and against all his house. He’s such a worthless man, no one can speak to him. You know what the problem with being a Nabal is?

Selfishness makes everything worse, and we won’t listen to reason when we’re caught up in our own self-pity. Nabal got in his own cycle. He said, I know who I am, I know what I have. Who is David to make me share what is mine? I deserve this. Who is David to ask this of me? How dare he? We don’t really act like that too often, at least in an outright way, I would hope. But I think in more nuanced ways, we’re a little bit guilty of this type of selfishness. When we refuse to look out to help others. When we know there’s needs, and in a congregation of 200, when are we not going to have needs? When is somebody not going to need some sort of encouragement or help in any way, whether it be through time or finances or even just simple prayer to God?

When we don’t make time, when we put ourselves first in a private dialogue or in a public way with use of our time, our selfishness not only makes us look bad, it causes destruction everywhere it reaches. It’s like if you’ve ever been to a pond and being from Orlando, nature illustrations aren’t really my thing, but go with me here. I think it’s a smooth stone that works. I’m kidding, I know that much. You throw a smooth stone into the pond and you see the ripples, and what happens? It’s not just where you threw it and it goes kaplunk. The ripples get wider and wider and they stretch farther and farther. Our selfishness may not cause outright destruction in the sense of making somebody come and burn our house down and wiping out our family lineage, but our selfishness will isolate us from friends.

Our selfishness will damage relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. And it could tear apart the good work that our God is doing in our communities and should be doing through our lives. If I replay conversations I’ve had, and we recognize that words are something when you speak, you can’t take it back, even if you hurry, even if you make haste. How much destruction can just one off comment make? That’s why James says in James chapter 3, the tongue can set us set ablaze a great forest. Just a little instrument, just the tongue, like the rudder of a ship, or like the bridle on a horse. It should be in control, because otherwise it can do a great damage. We have to realize that selfishness makes things work worse in private conversations and in a public way.

2. Wisdom Requires a Listening Ear

But secondly, when it comes to David, yes, he was going to act rashly. Yes, he was going to have blood on his hands. But note David did something wise in the story as well. He was willing to stop and listen. Do you remember one more time in verse 17 that Nabal wasn’t just going to bring destruction on those around him? He was such a worthless man, the servant said, that one cannot speak to him. Look with me in the book of Proverbs, though, we see fools reject counsel. But Proverbs chapter 12 and verse 1. Proverbs chapter 12 and verse 1 says, Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. But he who hates reproof, the English Standard version says, is stupid. Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. It’s not something we usually sign up for that we say, hey, I really want that.

But as we think about the context of Brother Kim’s lesson this morning at the 9 o’clock hour, and what is proper judgment? How are we to judge others? How are we not to judge others? Somebody who’s trying to please God, who’s trying to make their family understand what it means to obey God, is going to care intensely about what the word says. We’re going to look in the mirror and say, I need to change that. And if you have to tell me, please do. Nabal wouldn’t listen to advice. But David did. When Abigail came to David, yes, she bowed down in his feet and she said, Put the blame on me. But she also was outspoken to him and said, You need to focus on what matters, David.

Think about the Lord. Can you imagine in a difficult conversation? If you were to talk with a loved one, whether in your family or close friend or anybody in which you’re in a difficult situation. And they were a believer in God, like David is and was. Or like Abigail clearly is or was. When we think about stopping in that moment and saying, What does the Lord want from me here? I promise you it is never to take vengeance. That idea of David working out salvation himself, David getting vengeance for being rejected by Nabal, that’s not right. Romans chapter 12 and verse 17 through 21, God tells us very clearly, do not take vengeance. Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. God does not want us to add little jabs and little insults to make things worse or to get ours or to get even.

That’s not what the Lord wants. What did Jesus do? Yes, Jesus was a man of prayer. Yes, Jesus was a man of the word. But when it came to it, when men were beating him, when when men were assaulting him physically and verbally with insults to which were not even true. Jesus took them. He took the beating that nearly left him for dead in a scourging. He carried his cross and he was crucified on the cross because he knew we needed his sacrifice. Can we be really intensely honest for a moment and say, you know what? Sometimes even I say things, do things, and feel ways in a conversation where I just need one person to show me patience and love and point me back to the Lord.

Rather than to escalate it, to throw me into the carpet, to tell me how I’m wrong, but to show me what the Lord want. To teach me, to have a listening ear. In Proverbs chapter 19 and verse 20, this point is underlined again. Proverbs 19 and verse 20, listen to advice and keep instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. We need to be willing to accept not only criticism, but also wisdom and most importantly, the will of God. Wasn’t that Abigail’s message time and again in 1 Samuel 25? David, do not do this. You will regret it. David, do not do this. Blood guilt will be upon your hands. David, do not do this. Do not work out your own salvation. Trust in the Lord.

3. Kindness, Humility, and Love Changes Lives

It’s very hard to give that instruction, and it’s even more difficult oftentimes to hear it. So if we’re Nabal, are we willing to hear? Or are we more like David, who says, Whatever the Lord says, I will do. I’m afraid sometimes I’m like Nabal. I don’t want to hear why I’m wrong, and sometimes I’m not like David when I should be. I’m willing to hear what is right. We have to be people of the Word. We have to be people who rely on the Lord. One final point this morning. Note how kindness, humility, and love changes lives. In Proverbs chapter 15 and verse 1, I hope you’re still there. In Proverbs 15 and verse 1, note this. And if you remember one passage this morning on how to deal with difficult people, this is it.

Proverbs chapter 15 and verse 1. You’ve heard it before. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Can I tell you this has to be one of the most obvious proverbs there are? And yet it’s one of the most often broken. We know this. Why is it so hard then if we know conceptually, theoretically, that answering kindly, answering with mercy and meekness is effective. Why don’t we do it more? Because we know. If we’re honest, on deep down and on the inside, we don’t want to be kind. We don’t want to be loving. We don’t want to give a soft answer, because we want to give that harsh word, because we are angry.

And we don’t care if we do what the second part of verse 1 says, if we stir up more anger, because I’m upset. I’ve been wronged, and I don’t like what you did. And when I talk like that about myself that much, I am Nabal and not Abigail, and certainly not David. When we think about the kindness that Abigail showed, she cared to go and defend the servants of Nabal. She cared not just for her own life, but even for David and his soul, his standing before the Lord. She cared enough to make the change. And I think what Abigail did is where we struggle. Remember, how did Abigail go? Right away, she made haste. What did David say in his response? If you had not hurried to meet me here, the destruction would have been on.

Kindness and humility doesn’t just act nicely, doesn’t just give soft answers. Kindness, humility, and love says, I’m going to act now. I’m going to put aside a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong. I’ll take the blame. But I want this to be peaceful. I want our life to be calm. I want to be pleasing to my God. And so when we deal with difficult people, when we’re in a difficult situation, we need to remember the proverbs that a fool hates reproof. But the wise person loves instruction. We need to remember that a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word inspires anger. We have to be willing to focus on and realize that even when I’m mad, even when we’re frustrated, that’s the exact time to let the word of God shine through us.

Stop making it worse. We need to start making a difference. And the difference will only be made by trusting in and pointing to the Lord first and foremost. Is it any surprise that Jesus constantly is pointing to what is the will of the Father? That Paul writes in Colossians chapter 3, set your mind on things that are above. Nabal was mad in verse 10 and 11 because it was about his food, his water, his meat that he killed. Jesus said, set your mind on things above. Don’t worry about that. Be kind. Be gracious to all. Show love. Be sacrificial. Be like Jesus. Be like Abigail. Stand in the middle. Stand for what’s right. Be kind. Take the blame. Be the shield that other people need. Because the truth is, at some time we’re going to need somebody to step up and be our Abigail too.

Conclusion

So we need to be willing to look for others and say, I’m going to serve them in love and kindness, even if it means getting in the crossfire of a fool and a wrathful person seeking vengeance. If Abigail can stand up and do that, I can too, because she’s laid the groundwork. Jesus has walked in the way of sacrifice, of humility, of love. If Jesus can do it and he commands me to, I know that I can because my God is with me and my God is stronger than my weaknesses. I need to trust in the Lord. Selfishness makes things worse. Wisdom requires a listening ear. Kindness and humility can change lives. And the truth of the matter is God’s will and the death of Jesus has already changed the world.

Faith is the victory that overcomes the world. When Jesus took the world’s most concentrated effort of hate, the world’s most concentrated effort of physical violence on the cross. He showed us that good will triumph over evil. And through his sacrifice and his resurrection, he showed us that good has triumphed over evil. The only question is, will I submit to his will? Will I follow after him? Will I show kindness, love, and a willingness to learn? Jesus has already paved the way. If you’re here this morning and you’ve never become a Christian, recognize that you can. You can accept Jesus by believing in him as Lord, making his will first in your life, as Abigail pointed to David, it should be. Repent of your sin. Recognize you need to turn from your wrongdoing.

Confess Jesus as the Christ and be baptized, having your sins forgiven. Or maybe you’re a Christian and you’re too much like David. Your heart knows who God is. Your heart knows what’s right. But somebody wronged you. Somebody treated you poorly. And they need to get what’s coming to them. Remember what Abigail said. Trust in the Lord. Remember his will. We will pray with you this morning. We will pray for you. If you’ll just let us help you. If we can help anybody in any way be right with God, please don’t hesitate. Come now as we stand and sing the invitation song.