Love and Respect: The Role of Husbands and Wives

Introduction

Well, in case you didn’t know, today is Valentine’s Day. And since it is Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d preach a lesson on marriage. You may have heard the statistic that about 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. And that’s for first marriages. It gets worse for second and third marriages and so on. So about half of marriages in this country are going to end in divorce. And certainly preaching needs to be done on that topic of marriage, divorce, and remarriage, and I’ve preached on that here. But we need not assume that just because those other 50% stay together, that they’re automatically pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Because a successful marriage means more than merely not getting divorced. And just making sure that you stayed together.

That’s what I want to talk to you about in this lesson. So we’re going to be in Ephesians, the fifth chapter, as we study about love and respect, these two respective roles of husbands and wives. Before we dig our teeth into the passage of Ephesians 5 22 through 33, I want to set this up, and I think this will uh benefit us and give us a little bit more insight as we look at the broader setting of this passage. Because the context doesn’t really begin in verse 22, because verse 22 doesn’t even have a verb. And you might say, Well, yes, it does. It says be subject. Well, hopefully that’s in italics in your version. And what that will indicate is that the words be subject are not in the original.

1. Be Filled With the Spirit

And so in the Greek, there’s no verb. In verse 22, the verb is borrowed from verse 21, which says, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Then it would be wives to your own husbands, you see. And so you say, well, then I guess the context starts in verse 21. But we really can’t start the context at the end of a paragraph. So we need to back all the way up to chapter 5 and verse 15. And starting in that verse, we see three contrasts. The first one being, therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time because the days are evil. Second contrast, verse 17, so then do not be foolish, but understand where the will of the Lord is.

Third contrast, and this is the one to really pay attention to, verse 18, and do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit. Now that is parallel to Colossians 3 16, which says, Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you. And so this idea of being filled with the word of God, being filled with the Spirit, being led by what God wants us to do, that’s what this third contrast here in verse 18 is all about. Well, what Paul then does at this third contrast is he unpacks it and gives us three commands of what it looks like for someone to be filled with the Spirit. And the first one we see there is in verse 19, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord.

Give me a person who does not want to sing joyfully to the Lord from his heart and and engage his heart and mind in his song worship to the Lord. I’ll give you a person who’s not filled with the Spirit of God. And then we see the second command in verse 20, always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father. Give me a person who’s negative and who doesn’t want to focus on the positive blessings of God in his life and give thanks for all of them, and I’ll give you a person who’s not filled with the Spirit. And verse 21, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. That’s the third command there.

And what that means, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. It means to recognize and abide in the authority in various relationships of life. Give me a person who’s not willing to submit to the various authority and the aspects of his life that God has placed over that individual. And I’ll give you someone that’s not filled with the Spirit. Now, what Paul then does at this third command, just like he did at the third contrast, is he unpacks this third command with three contexts. And the first one is about husbands and wives in the remainder of the chapter. The second context is children and parents in chapter 6, verses 1 through 4. And then slaves and masters in verses 5 through 9 of chapter 6.

All these are tied together because they are explaining to us what it means to be subject to one another. Now, I’m going somewhere with all this. If we kind of tie all this together, ultimately the context embedded right in the middle of that whole setting we just looked at, that of husbands and wives, is ultimately connected with that third contrast of be filled with the Spirit. And so husbands and wives that do not exercise and abide in and express the love and the submission and respect that we read about in their respective roles in this passage are not filled with the Spirit. They do not have the word of Christ richly dwelling within them, and they are not living as Christians should live. There’s just no other way around that.

2. Wives, Be Subject to Your Own Husbands

But if they if they are abiding in that, then they are indeed filled with the Spirit. Having said all that, let’s dig our teeth in and have some fun. As we look, starting in verse 22, at the role of wives. Now, as we go through this, you might be saying, this doesn’t sound very romantic. It is Valentine’s Day, after all. Well, some of this just is not romantic, but it’s realistic. And sometimes those two go hand in hand, and sometimes they don’t. But starting there in verse 22. Now, by the way, I’m going to have the verses up on the slide. And as I like to say from time to time, I don’t want that to make you think that you don’t need to follow along in your own Bible if you can.

That’s really for those who maybe cannot follow along in their Bible for one reason or another. But in verse 22 it says, Wives be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. The point here in these three verses is exceedingly simple, and it’s wives be subject to your husbands. Be in submission to your husbands. That is an idea that is not politically correct. That is an idea that even many who claim the name of Christ would like to explain away or say that, well, it doesn’t apply today like it really applied in the first century.

It was a cultural matter. Brethren, it has nothing to do with the culture of the first century. It has nothing to do with Paul and his view towards women. Paul’s view towards women was guided by the Spirit of God. And the role that we see here of wives submitting to their husbands was rooted back in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. And so it will never end. God’s desire of this order here. So, be subject to your husbands. Well, maybe that doesn’t quite mean what it sounds like. Maybe we can figure out a way to kind of soften it a little bit. Paul doesn’t soften it. He gets very specific and very extreme when he says, be subject to your husbands as to the Lord.

Wait a minute. You mean that wives are to submit to their husbands in the same way that they submit to the Lord Jesus Christ and his commands and his will. That’s exactly what this is saying. That’s a lot of submissions. In fact, he says it in another way when he says, as the church is subject to Christ. Think about the fact that Christ is the head of the church. There’s only one head of the church. Can’t be two heads. There’s one head. And the church as his bride and as his body is to submit to him as the head. You know, you really can’t have a marriage with two heads. We’ve seen at Ripley’s believe it or not, you know, the goat with the two heads, and maybe there was a pig with two heads or something like that.

Well, that’s a freak of nature. You might even call that a monster. If you’ve got a marriage with two heads, you know what you’ve got? You’ve got a monster. And there’s going to be a whole lot of bumping heads going on because there’s two heads to bump heads with. But if there’s only one head, then there’s not going to be another head to bump heads with. And that head is to be the husband. As the church is subject to Christ. As we follow the dictates of our King, Jesus. He’s the one who makes the rules. Now, the thing about it is he doesn’t rule with an iron fist, he rules in a loving, humble way. As a shepherd. And husbands, we’re going to talk about that.

That this doesn’t mean that, therefore, well, our wives are to submit to us, so we need to just, you know, we need to put the foot down, and we need to make sure that we’re ruling very strongly. Well, that’s not really the right attitude to have as the husband. So be subject to your husbands in everything, is what Paul also says. Now, that of course would not include things that are against the will of the Lord. If it’s something that would prevent, for example, the wife from attending worship services or the children from being raised in the Lord, well, then I think in that case, we would need to say, obey God rather than men. But in everything else, everything. The wife is to be in subjection to the husband.

What if he says, honey, we’ve got to pack up our bags and move across the country for the tenth time. She doesn’t want to do it. That’s very understandable. But ultimately, it is her duty as a Christian woman to submit to the decision of her husband and to do it without kicking and screaming and to do it with a with a submissive attitude. That’s not easy. But that’s exactly what this passage is teaching. Now, our culture, absolutely rejects this notion. Our culture of feminism, our desperate housewives’ culture, that, hey, the woman wears the pants in the family, don’t you men know that? And don’t tell her what to do at all. She’s more capable than you are anyway. That’s how our culture really views this whole matter.

And this whole matter of religious teaching that wives need to submit to their husbands, why that’s just archaic traditionalism and Paul was a woman hater, and no, he wasn’t. It has nothing to do with that, and it doesn’t mean that wives are any less valuable before the Lord. And we talk about egalitarianism, and yes, women and men are equal in terms of their standing before the Lord, but in terms of authority in a marriage, they are not equal. They can’t be. Because you can’t have two heads for a marriage. You can only have one. And so, although our culture chafes at this command and this idea and balks at it, the church must not. We must not be a part of that thinking. And you know, that’s another reason we need to be careful about what we fill our minds with.

3. Husbands, Love Your Wives as Christ Loved the Church

And the entertainment, even. You turn on your TV, you’re going to be fed this kind of mentality constantly. And so be careful. Now, at this point, the husbands might be saying, I’m really glad that the preacher is up there telling my wife how to, you know, submit to me. It’s about time somebody puts her in her place. Well, before us men start feeling too high and mighty, let’s turn our attention to our own role as we begin looking in verse 25. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church. And gave himself up for her. Now you see, at this point, you’re probably thinking, well, I’m not that concerned about my wife’s role right now. I’m concerned about my role. I am to love my wife as Christ loved the church.

That’s a tall order. That’s a high calling. And why did he do that? So that he might give himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself a church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands are told here to love their wives. Wives are not told in this context to love their husbands. So I guess that means you’re off the hook. Absolutely not. In fact, the very idea that you are to be subject to your husbands indicates great love. But the specific command given to wives is to be subject. And the specific command in this context given to husbands is to love your wives.

Husbands are not told to submit to their wives. Now I’ve heard it preached before years ago. I remember as a young man, a preacher saying that, well, husbands ultimately need to submit to their wives as well, because verse 21 says, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. So yes, she submits to you, but you also submit to her. That’s not what verse 21 means. What verse 21 means and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ is to recognize the authority and the submission that God expects in various relationships in your life and to make sure to match that. That’s exactly what that means. Now, I’m not trying to say that this means that husbands don’t need to be concerned about their wives.

Peter tells us to dwell with your wives in an understanding way. And certainly we need husbands who are, you know, maybe you have the right to say, honey, we’re going to pack up our bags and move across the country. But maybe you see that that’s not best for your family. Maybe you see that that’s not the best thing for your wife. And out of the great love you have, as a loving leader of your family, you might say, honey, we’re just not going to do that. Even though I really feel like that’s what I want to do. I see it’s not what’s going to be best in your interest. I remember an elderly lady who’d been married for decades in a church in North Florida telling me that it’s easy for her to submit to her husband because of the great love that he expresses as the head of that house.

And so we husbands need to remember that. This is not something that we come down and say, well, now the Bible says you have to submit to me. So you’ve got to. Well, talk about taking the whole love motivation out of it for your spouse. You need to do it in such a way that they want to submit to you, and that makes it easy for them to submit to you. We need to remember how elders are to rule. You know, I’m mindful of 1 Peter 3 5 that it says, not as lording it over those that are allotted to your charge. And so it’s not that we as husbands need to lord it over our wives. That’s certainly not the idea. Now, the word that’s used here in the Greek is the word agape.

I’m sure you’ve heard that before. You know that there are different words for love. You have probably heard of, like, for example, Philaleo, you know, brotherly love, Philadelphia, city of brotherly love. And there are other words for love in the Greek. This word that’s used here is agape or agapato. But what the word means is basically it’s a decision love. It’s a love that says, I’m going to love you and treat you the right way, because that’s the right thing to do, regardless of whether you deserve it, and no matter how I feel. It’s that kind of a decision love that acts for the good of the other. Selflessly. That’s the idea. And we need husbands who have this kind of love for their spouse. It’s the same word that’s used in John 3.16, for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son.

Now, why did God send his son? Was it because the world was so irresistible? He just couldn’t help it. We were just so lovable. That wasn’t it at all. We were his enemies. He gave his son because he loved us. He loved us first, despite the filth that we were. And let me just say, this may be hard to believe, but sometimes wives, as well as husbands, may not always, every moment of the day be completely lovable. I don’t know, it might be hard to believe. In fact, sometimes you might be downright unlikable. And us husbands too. But husbands, that has nothing to do with it. It has nothing to do with how she’s behaving towards you. It has nothing to do with what she might or might not deserve in terms of her behavior.

It has nothing to do with how you might at that moment feel about her. This is the integrity of having made a commitment and made a decision. I’m going to love that woman. I’m going to love her forever. I’m going to be dedicated to her, and I’m going to treat her with love because that’s what God wants me to do. Husbands, love your wives. It is a command. Love your wives. And Paul gets again very specific and very extreme, just as he did with the role for women. He says, love your wives as Christ also loved the church. And how did Christ love the church? Selflessly. Sacrificially.

Hanging on a cross. Dying for us. For our benefit. So that he might cleanse us. So that he might cleanse her here. And the reference, the idea is that this is the bride of Christ, the church. That he might cleanse her having or uh sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. Now that is a reference to baptism. And it’s not just any emotion in water, it’s emotion in water with the word in connection with what the word teaches. This is the baptism that leads one to salvation. It is the means by which we obtain both sanctification, that’s that’s being set apart and being made saint, and cleansing, the cleansing and the purifying of our of our sins. That he might present to himself the church and all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

That’s what Christ has made possible for us through his death on the cross. I preached last week about forgiveness, and I made the point that when your sin is forgiven, that the record is cleared, that your sins have been cast into the depths of the sea, they’ve been removed from you as far as the east is from the west, and you stand before God as innocent as a newborn baby, as if you have never sinned. That’s what Christ has made possible through his death on the cross, so that we could be presented to him in that beautiful, glorious way. Pure and holy. Now, what bride would ever want to appear on her wedding day in some gown, some dress she grabbed maybe from the back of her closet that was all wrinkled and stained up, and she throws it on and uh manages to get up there to the altar and uh, you know, she forgot to do her hair, her hair is just a wreck.

Maybe she didn’t put on any makeup. She got dirt on her face, and maybe she didn’t even brush her teeth. Is that the way that you’d want to appear and present yourself before your husband on your wedding day? Of course not. You want to put on your best. You want a dress that’s spotless, that’s that’s beautiful. You want to be, you want to be fixed up and be the most beautiful you’ve ever been on this one of the most special days in your entire life. And that’s the picture that we have here of this bride of the church. And Jesus is the husband. Jesus has sacrificed himself for his bride. And so we as husbands, we need to sacrifice for our wives. And put her needs before our own.

A couple of pages over in your Bible in Philippians 2, in verses 3 and 4, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others. We have too many husbands who look out for their own interests and not for the interest of their wives. And certainly, if this passage in Philippians 2 applies in general to all mankind, we certainly need to remember it towards our wives. Sadly, we’re often more polite to just perfect strangers than we are even to our own wife and husband. I’ve been guilty of that myself. So love your wives like Christ love the church. Paul says more, and we’ll begin reading in verse 28.

4. Love Your Wives as Your Own Bodies

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. Because we are members of his body. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. That last verse there is a quotation from Genesis 2 24 from the garden. So we see here, Paul expanding on this idea of this agape love. To love your wives, husbands, as your own body. Now, I don’t believe that what that means is merely the idea. I don’t think it’s limited to this idea that, well, listen, we love ourselves, guys.

I mean, you know that, right? You love yourself, you take care of your own flesh by showering it and by feeding it good food and by exercising it. And so if you’re gonna love yourself like that, then also you need to love this other individual like that. I mean, that is certainly true that we need to uh uh remember that, and Jesus did teach that the second great commandment is uh to love your neighbor as yourself. That’s kind of the the meaning there. But what Paul means here is slightly different. There’s a there’s a nuance to this. What Paul means here is to love your wife and treat her as yourself because she is yourself. You are one flesh with her. She is an extension of you.

We talk about, well, there goes my better half. Never could there be a truer statement. Husbands and wives are two halves of one flesh. One flesh. And I’ll grant it to you, wives, you’re the better half. No doubt about that. But we’re two halves of one unit of one flesh. And never forget, as a teenager at the Corinth Church of Christ, if you can believe it, that was the name of the church in Athens, Alabama. That I was doing a training program there, and Norm Webb Jr. was the preacher. And he was preaching about marriage and particularly divorce. And he took these two lumps of clay, I think it was Play-Doh, that were different colors. Handed them to a girl on the front row. And he told her just to kind of mesh those together real good.

And he kept preaching while she kept working that play-doh. And a few minutes later, he came back to her. And of course, by now, these two lumps of dough have turned to one color. And he said, I would like for you to please separate those two back, I mean, separate that back into the two original colors. She said, That’s impossible. I can’t do that. And he went on to make the point that when a marriage divorces, you are ripping apart one flesh, and you cannot become the two original parts that you once were. That was a powerful point. And Jesus made the point. What God is joined together, let not man put asunder. It is a beautiful idea that husbands and wives are one flesh. Wherever she might be, she might be traveling on the other side of the world.

She might be across town. She might be sitting right next to you, but wherever she is, that is literally you. An extension of you. That’s your other half everywhere that she goes. And what we need to do is treat her like that. This is me. And I’m going to treat this person with the kind of love and care that I want treated to me. I’m not going to neglect this precious woman. I’m not going to let her needs go unmet. I’m going to think of her. And I’m going to think of her first. I wouldn’t want to be neglected. I wouldn’t want to be ignored. I wouldn’t want to be brushed to the side. And so I’m not going to let this other half of me be treated that way either.

That is an exceedingly powerful point. Sadly, husbands are often selfish, unloving, unsacrificial. You know, husbands, it’s not a sacrifice to finally get yourself up off the couch and to manage to have the chivalry to take out the trash. And I seriously doubt that your wife would be looking through the window saying, look at that hunk, take out that trash. I mean, what a man. That’s not sacrifice. Nor is it sacrifice to come home from work with the mentality that whatever my wife’s been doing, it’s important, but it’s not as important as me earning the real income in the family. And so I deserve to lay down on the couch and to watch television for four hours while she continues to sweep and to mop the floor and to do the dishes and to do the laundry and to feed the family because that’s her job.

Shame on us. Selfish husbands. Clean the house for her. Cook dinner for her. Get involved with the kids. Be a helper. Be selfless. You might want to watch the game. But as a Christian, you say, honey, you really want to just spend time just talking? Then let’s turn off the TV and ignore the texts on our phone and all this little buzzes and things and dings and whatever you call them. And let’s look each other in the eyes and let’s just talk as long as you need it. And I’m here to just listen and to be your friend. That might take a sacrifice, husbands, but we need husbands who are willing to do that. You know why? Because Christ gave his life in sacrifice for his bride.

5. Love His Own Wife; Respect Her Husband

What are these little sacrifices that we’re expected to make? That’s nothing. That’s nothing compared to what Christ did, setting the example for what husbands are to be for their wives. Well, Paul concludes this section in verses 32 and 33. Saying, This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife, even as himself. And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. It appears to me that in verse 32, Paul is saying, you thought the point this whole time has really been about marriage. But the real point I’ve been making is about Christ and the church. And I’ve just been using husbands and wives as a backdrop to help you to understand the church.

And he says, this mystery is great. That doesn’t mean it’s some big secret that we need to uncover the clues of, like Sherlock Holmes or something. The idea of mystery there is just, hey, this is something I’ve never told you before. I’m revealing this for the first time, that the relationship of Christ and the church is like a marriage. Isn’t that a beautiful thing? And brethren, it is a beautiful thing that we as the body of Christ need to willingly joyfully submit ourselves to the dictates of the head of our husband, Christ. Because we want to. And because we know that He has made such a sacrifice for us and that really he has our best interest at heart. Isn’t it easy to submit to Christ in that way?

Absolutely. Nevertheless, Paul gets back to his practical point in verse 33, saying, You husbands, make sure you love your wife as yourself. Remember? Because she is yourself. And wives, make sure that you respect your husband. Remember a sermon I heard years ago by Brent Hunter? Where he said that the number one complaint of wives is that their husbands are selfish. And the number one complaint of husbands is that their wives don’t respect them. She doesn’t trust me as the leader of this family. She doesn’t respect me. I think it’s no accident, therefore, that this passage, which is given to us divinely, as Paul wrote it, being guided by the Holy Spirit, gives us these two roles of love on the part of the husband and of respect and submission on the part of the wife that perfectly reflect and correspond to the greatest need of husbands and the greatest need of wives.

Conclusion

I think that’s no accident. And if we, as the Lord’s church, remember this and we abide in this love and respect towards one another. That’s real love. And not only will we stay together, but we will thrive in our marriage relationships. Would you bow your head with me in a word of prayer? Our Father, our God, we thank you for your word. We are amazed at your word. We want to drink it up. We want to have it dwelling in our hearts. We want to be guided by the Spirit. Father, may we husbands and wives be filled with the Spirit. May we trust your will and not our own as we love our wives and as the wives submit to and respect their husbands. Give us strength, honor, and grace to carry out these very high and lofty roles that you have set before us.

Through your Son we pray. Amen. At this time we’ll be dismissed for our Bible classes, and at ten fifty-five we will reconvene for a second period of worship.