My Wife, The Stranger

Introduction

Well, at this stage of my preaching career and my preaching tenure here with you, I feel like I have no secrets. I’ve told you everything. I’ve told you so many stories about my upbringing and where I grew up. And I’ve been accused many times in telling those stories of making stuff up. That couldn’t have really been the way it happened. And it really did happen those ways. And I’ve been thinking that even if I tried to introduce you to the people that were a part of my growing up, you would think I was making them up. They were such characters. And even their names, I got to thinking about that. If I tried to introduce you just to the names of the people I went to church with, you would think I was making those names up.

People like Billy Joe and Itra Marshall. And Billy Joe’s in the Guinness Book of World Records as the fastest song leader in the church.

But since this was North Alabama, we called her Uner McEwen.

His name was I went to church with a married couple, Aubrey and Aldrey were their first name. But then I want to tell you a story about another couple that didn’t go to church with us regularly, but visited regularly. They went to a neighboring congregation, and in my memory, they came to every singing, to every gospel meeting. And the story I want to tell you about was one of the gospel meeting events that they came to, and their names were Lloyd and Silly May Freeman. And Lloyd and Silly May were coming to our gospel meeting, and they had parked in the parking lot and they were running a little bit late, and so they were rushing into the building.

And as they were coming up, Silly May looked down at Lloyd’s shoes and was just flabbergasted. And she got all over her husband Lloyd and said, I can’t believe you would wear those shoes to church. Those are the ugliest, dirtiest, most beat-up shoes I’ve ever seen. How embarrassing. I’m not even going to sit with you. And as those words came out of her mouth, Silly May looked up and realized that that wasn’t Lloyd, her husband.

That that was another visitor from the gospel meeting that happened to be walking up at that same time. And as we would say in Alabama, that got all over, Silly May. She was so embarrassed that she had said that to a complete stranger. That she had told a complete stranger that he was wearing ugly, dirty, beat up shoes that would embarrass anybody. And you know what’s interesting about that story is that she was so upset that she said that to a complete stranger when she intended to say that to her husband. And that’s the premise for our lesson this morning is that we generally speaking will treat our neighbors, our friends, and even strangers, sometimes better than we treat our own family, sometimes our own spouses.

Not because my wife is a stranger to me, but because I want to try to treat her more like a stranger in this sense and in this sense only. That sometimes I’m more courteous and kind and generous to a stranger I’ll meet in public than I am to the people who are closest to me.

Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians 5 verses 22 through 33, that is kind of that the text upon marriage, the text about husbands and wives, where the inspired Apostle Paul talks to us about those specific responsibilities of husbands and wives, and he concludes in that last verse by saying, Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. And that is certainly a good and qualified text to go to.

Man, my neighbor, my co-worker, a complete stranger, might also apply to my marriage, and might just make my marriage better. And maybe this lesson has a secondary benefit, because if you’re sitting in our audience this morning and you think, well, I’m not married, what’s this lesson going to do for me? Well, these are passages that again aren’t marriage specific. These are passages that just talk about how I’m to treat my fellow man. And so if you’re not married and maybe don’t plan on ever getting married, then you can draw something out of these verses, then how you’re to treat everybody. Let’s start here before we even get to our points. Here’s the first point that I noticed. Look in Ephesians chapter 4 in verse 20. He said to them, in these principles of how we’re to live, live our lives and how we are to treat one another.

He says in Ephesians 4, verse 20, with this, but you have not so learned Christ. If indeed you have heard him and have been taught by him as the truth is in Jesus, that you put off concerning your former conduct, the old man, which grows corrupt according to deceitful lust, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on your new man, which was created according to God in true righteousness and holiness. The first thing that we need to notice that in my marriage and in every relationship that I have with my fellow human beings is that everything is different in Christ. You have not so learned Christ. My marriage, my relationship with my spouse is different, is better because I have learned Christ.

1. Communicate Honestly

And let’s look at some of those principles. The first thing we see here in Ephesians chapter 4, and when he’s talking about how I am to just deal with strangers that I think can apply and help in my marriage, is that I am to communicate honestly. Look in verse 25. Therefore, putting away lying, let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor. For we are members of one another. Put away lying. We talked not too awful long ago in a sermon about lying, that in this letter to a church to Christians that Paul, the Holy Spirit, seemed to think that he needed to tell these Christians, you don’t need to lie. That’s an issue not just for the world, but for us, and it’s an issue that can apply in our marriages, that we need to be honest to one another.

You know, there’s an old saying, familiarity breeds contempt. I think we understand that. The more you’re around someone, the more they can annoy you. You ever just get annoyed the way somebody breathes? If not, you’ve never been married. But there’s a couple other sayings we could adapt that. Familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity breeds neglect. That sometimes we neglect those people that we’re the closest to.

Like honesty versus lying. Put away lying in our marriages. Communicate honestly. Be honest. Be honest about your finances. Be honest about your struggles. And men, I’m speaking to you. Be honest about your struggles, of what you’re fighting with and struggling with. Peter would tell us, or the Holy Spirit would tell us through Peter in 1 Peter chapter 3, that we are husbands and wives, we are co-heirs of eternal life. That’s the case, shouldn’t we be honest about what we’re struggling with? And this next one might get some eye rolls and some, oh yeah, try that. But I’m serious. Be honest about your temptation. How many heartbreaks could be averted, and how many marriages could be saved if husbands and wives could have the level of trust and honesty.

2. Be Angry and Do Not Sin

To have a conversation that says, I’m being tempted by somebody else. A neighbor or someone at the gym, a co-worker at the office. And I want you to help me. Be honest. Put away lying. The next one is in Ephesians chapter 4, verse 26. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Anger is an open doorway to sin. And again, familiarity too often breeds that contempt. Scripture says so much about self-control. About me controlling my anger, particularly around those whom I love. Be angry and do not sin. Husbands. Be angry and do not sin. Wives. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. I don’t know that the Holy Spirit meant that literally.

Maybe he did. Literal in the sense of deal with it today on this calendar day. Maybe he meant deal with it quickly. Don’t let this anger fester and grow, talk it out, deal with it becomes before it becomes a bigger and greater issue. But regardless whether he means that literally or just figuratively, in the sense of these issues need to be dealt with, don’t let it remain. Don’t let it grow.

Husbands and wives, talk it out. Seeking reconciliation. And learn these two very important principles when it comes to love and anger. Number one, learn to let it go. Rob referenced in our Lord’s Supper talk this morning. If our Savior could say there while being mocked by his very crucifiers, forgive them, for they know not what they do. Surely I can forgive and let things go. I need to learn in my marriage is something I need to learn in general, is that I need to learn to just suffer wrong. The principle of equaling things up is not a biblical principle. And that’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way. I’ve told you again about my upbringing. We had a sense of justice in the Chapman household.

I grew up with two older brothers. We had to have some kind of system of justice. And our system of justice was this. And I don’t remember who came up with it. Probably not my parents, probably one of my older siblings. But here was our sense of sense of justice. That is, if one of my brothers hit me, I got to hit him back twice. And that worked. But that doesn’t work anymore. Be angry and do not sin.

3. Fulfill Our God-Given Obligations

Here’s my application of this next verse. We need to fulfill our God-given obligations. Look at the next verse, verse 28. Let him who stole still no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need.

Now you might think, okay, Ken, you made an application to lying in marriage, and you made an application to anger in marriage. Let me see you make an application to stealing in marriage, because last time I looked, Didrani’s checking account was a joint account. How’s she going to steal from me? Although she has eaten my leftovers out of the refrigerator before, but that’s a separate, that’s a separate discussion. We can steal from one another in our marriages. Hold your finger or a bookmark here in Ephesians and go with me to the Old Testament to the book of Leviticus. In Leviticus chapter 19. This is a form of robbery that Scripture speaks of quite often. Leviticus 19 and verse 13. Look at this form of robbery. And let’s make the application.

A form of robbery, a form of theft that was often condemned in Scripture was some wealthy person hiring somebody to do a job and then refusing to pay them. That’s theft. And that’s not maybe the classical form of theft. We think of theft is breaking into somebody’s car and stealing something away from them. The scripture says if you owe something to somebody and you refuse to pay it, that’s stealing. Husbands, you owe something to your wives. Wives, you owe something to your husband. And if you refuse to pay it, that’s stealing in God’s eye. God has placed upon you, and make no mistake about it, those obligations are in and because of God, not your spouse, God that you owe that person something. And if you withhold that, God says that’s robbery.

And here’s the hard part.

So many times we like to rationalize sin. But let me give you a different scenario. If my neighbor, if my neighbor steals my lawnmower, am I justified in the eyes of the law, or more importantly, in the eyes of God to steal his car? Well, he stole from me. Don’t I get to know? We’d say, no, that’s not that’s not how that works. Then why do we apply that principle in other areas? Well, you stepped on my toe. So I get to stomp. That’s my juvenile sense of justice with my brothers. That’s that’s not how it works. I owe certain things because God has placed those obligations. I owe my wife certain duties and responsibility. And I owe them to her, even if my spouse is not fulfilling their responsibility.

You know, we have a saying, and a saying that’s been research and repackaged. You know, the old saying was marriage is 50 50. And in the right context, and explain that’s a good saying, isn’t it? What that means is that both people have got to do something. This is a partnership there. But somebody’s come along and said, no, no, that’s not right. That’s not the way to say it. The right way to say it is marriage is not 50-50. Marriage is a hundred-a hundred. Both parties need to give a hundred percent. And again, in its context, that’s right too. But you know, in reality, neither one of those is the case. You know what I’ve seen? Is that marriage is rarely 50-50. And marriage is very rarely 100-a hundred.

But marriage is sometimes 80-20. And sometimes it’s 20-80. One of the sweetest ladies I ever knew. It was named Alga Jacquelus. When I was introduced to Augur, her husband had already had a debilitating stroke. It left him bedfast, speechless. He couldn’t raise a finger to feed himself or to change his clothes, clean himself, to speak to his wife. That marriage was neither 50-50 nor 100-10. And sometimes it’s that way, not because of some debilitating disease, it’s because of some choice a partner made. Sometimes it varies day to day. I’m taking the day off. It’s all on you. Tomorrow I’ll step it up, and you can be the lazy one. My responsibility is my responsibility because it’s been given to me by God. And I’m going to fulfill it.

4. Be Careful With My Words

Not because there’s a balance sheet and I owe you, and now you owe me. But because I owe you in God. The next thing he would tell us, are you in Ephesians 4? Is I need to be careful with my words. Let know, verse 29, let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth. But what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers? Skip down to verse 31. And let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking being put away from you with all malice. He started there in verse 29. Let no corrupt word. Now understand this. Corrupt words means much more than cussing. The word corrupt there means rotten or worthless. Don’t let any corrupt, worthless words come out of your mouth.

But what is good for necessary edification? Again, think about how much heartache, pain could be spared in marriages. If we could just learn to control what James called this unruly evil thing known as the tongue. Look with me. I know you’re studying Proverbs here in the auditorium class, but let’s look at a couple of Proverbs. There’s so many. I had to be picky just to pick a couple. Proverbs chapter 12. There’s so many Proverbs that deal with our speech. Let’s just make an application to our marriages. We need to realize that our words, I’m going to Proverbs chapter 12, that our words not only hurt, but they can cause damage. Sometimes permanent damage. Proverbs chapter 12, and look at verse 18. There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword.

But the tongue of the wise promotes health.

I’ve been stabbed by a knife. And I can tell you this, it hurts.

5. Be Kind to One Another

It’s to say that hurtful, harmful thing to the person that loves you more than anything. We think it’s so easy to just say, oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I was having a bad day. I said that in a fit of anger. But that hurt, that damage is still there. Let’s take it a step further. Proverbs 18 and in verse 21. Proverbs 18, 21, death, death and life are in the power of the tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruit. Death and life. Relationships, marriages have been killed by words. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth. The next thing the Holy Spirit would communicate to us through the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4 is found in verse 32. Ephesians 4 and verse 32.

In talking about how we deal with, is he talking about how we deal with our brethren in Ephesians 4, how we talk about our neighbors, our strangers? But it certainly applies to our spouses when he says in Ephesians 4, verse 32, and be kind. Be kind to one another. Tenderhearted. Forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave us. So many problems could be averted if we could simply just be kind in our marriage. I’m going to tell on Deedra and myself. I told you we’ve got no secret. Several years ago we were in a gospel meeting and we went to this newlyweds house for dinner. They hadn’t been married very long at all, and it was very gracious and kind for them to have us over for dinner in their newlywed house.

And we sat there, just the four of us around the table, and we knew there were newlyweds before they even told us because she would pass him a dish, he would say, Thank you, dear. And she would say, Honey, would you please hand the saw? And I lost count of how many pleas and thank yous they said to each other. And we got in the car and looked at each other and said, weren’t they weird?

Isn’t it sad that that’s kind of the way it is? That if you see a husband and wife who are being nice to each other, you go. That’s weird. And I’m going to tell you one of my pet peeves. I got a bunch of them. But one of my pettiest peeves is when I either I go to the florist or I’m cheap. I go to publics when they happen to buy one, get one, and I buy flowers for Deedra. And that nosy cashier sees this man with a wedding ring on his finger buying flowers. And she says, Oh, what did you do?

6. Submitting to One Another

Like that’s the only time I can buy flowers for my wife is when I did something wrong. When I said something dumb, when I misbehaved, when I’m in the doghouse. Yeah, I did it, but you didn’t know that. Just that common courtesy that we would show a stranger. We’ll change our marriages drastically. Lastly, we have to go to chapter 5 for this one, because we ran out of chapter 4. Before we get to chapter 5, verses 22 through 33 that says, Wives submit to your husbands, and husbands love your wives. Let’s back up one verse. And you talk about changing your marriage. And not just changing it, but changing it for the better. If we could do this, verse 21, submitting to one another, submitting to one another in the fear of God.

If husbands and wives could both learn to submit to one another. That just simply means what other Bible verses say when they say put the other person first. Seek not your own interest, but the interest of others.

Conclusion

Treat my wife like a stranger. And I think it’ll make my marriage better. The Apostle Paul there in chapter 5 would tell us that this marriage relationship is likened to a heavenly relationship. The relationship that the church has with Jesus Christ. That we are his bride. That he loves us as a husband is to love his bride. Are you in that relationship? Are you submitting to Christ as you ought? Do you love him as you ought? Do you respect him as you ought? Would you become a child of God today? And as we saw there in that principle in Ephesians chapter 4, beginning in verse 20, it will change everything about who you are and every relationship that you have in life. And it’ll change it for the better.

Can we help you in any way this morning? Let it be known as we stand and as we sing.