The Philemon Appproach

Introduction

It’s a beautiful song, a stirring song, and a great song to sing right before I get up here. I appreciate the good song leading. I want to begin with a question. What is the best way, the most effective way to deal with a brother or sister that you might have a concern with? Maybe they need a correction or perhaps a rebuke or maybe just a simple exhortation to do the right thing. What’s the best way to go about doing this in order to get the desired result, which is for them to do the right thing. Some people might say, well, the best way to do it is just, you know, cut to the chase. Just go and tell them what needs to be said, and you know, don’t beat around the bush.

And, you know, maybe that is a good approach in some situations. But I would argue that a better approach in many situations, if not in most situations, is a more gentle approach that I like to call the Philemon approach. And so if you’re not already turned to Philemon, where we did the reading earlier, then you might go ahead and turn your Bibles there. We’re going to talk today about the Philemon approach, exhorting brethren, like Paul exhorted Philemon to do the right thing. This is an approach that takes patience. It is a tactful approach that is gentle, that really makes doing the right thing the other person’s idea. And I have found this to be a very helpful approach in many situations dealing with brethren. You know, the fact is the church is made up of people.

And people aren’t always easy to deal with. Sometimes we’re difficult to deal with. Sometimes we don’t like to be told that we need to change. Sometimes we we don’t know how to tell people that. So a lot of skill needs to be developed in this area, and it’s probably more important than a lot of people realize. Paul wrote Philemon while he was in Rome. He was in prison. Philemon was a Christian in Colossae. And according to verse 19, it appears that Paul had converted Philemon at some point in the past. He mentions at the second half of that verse that you owe me even your own self as well. Some versions say, even your own life as well. And I take that to mean his spiritual life.

What about Onesimus? Onesimus was a slave, and he was a runaway slave of Philemon. And when I say run away, I mean he really ran away. Colossae and Rome are about 900 miles apart. And that’s a straight line. So in order for Onesimus to get from Colossae to Rome, I mean he would have had to go more than 900 miles traveling by land and by sea, and it would have been a long difficult journey, expensive. So I’m not sure what motivated him to leave, but something motivated him to get far, far away from Philemon. And so, according to verse 10, Onesimus was converted by Paul while in Rome. He says, I appeal to you for my child Onesimus, whom I have begotten in my imprisonment, who formerly was useless to you, but now is useful both to you and to me.

So he converted him. Here’s Paul a prisoner, and he’s converting people. And so I don’t know how they came in contact or how all that worked out, but it’s pretty amazing when you think about it, isn’t it? And so now Paul is sending Onesimus back to his master with this letter. So think of that. Onesimus is going to deliver this letter to Philemon saying, make sure to receive me back as a brother. And that’s the real message of the book. So what we’re going to do is we’re going to examine the main bulk of the book just from the standpoint of what can we gain in terms of how to deal with brethren. And we’re going to see four components to this Philemon approach. And the first one we see in verses 4 through 7.

1. Encourage Up Front

I thank my God always making mention of you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints. And I pray that the fellowship of your faith may become effective through the knowledge of every good thing which is in you for Christ’s sake. For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother. Don’t you just love that term of endearment there, brother, that he adds there at the end of that. We see here that this first component is to encourage up front.

Say something encouraging and uplifting up front. Well, why should I take the time to do that? Why should I try to say something encouraging first? Well, because one reason is it sets a positive tone from the very outset. You want to have a positive tone that will help them to be receptive to what you to what you have to say. Too often it has been my experience that when brethren deal with brethren, this step is skipped. Because when you have a concern about somebody, what’s on your mind? Praiseworthy things? Or when you have some instruction you want to give to somebody, what’s on your mind? Well, the instruction. Or the correction. And so we just tend, perhaps, too often to get to kind of just skip the praise and get right to the heart of what we want to talk about, and then maybe at the end we’ll say something positive and just kind of add it on there as an afterthought.

I don’t think that’s the most effective way. I don’t think that’s the most effective way at all. If possible, praise the individual for their godly characteristics. Paul praises Philemon, like in verse 5 for his love and the faith which he has toward the Lord Jesus for all his saints. In verse 6, uh the knowledge of every good thing which is in you for Christ’s sake. Verse 7, he has much comfort in his love. And so these are praiseworthy, godly characteristics. So you’re going to a brother or a sister, maybe with a concern, start off by telling them, you know, I want to let you know that I really am encouraged by you. I think that you often set a very good example. I’m encouraged by your zeal and by the good things that you do for others.

You see, what that’s going to do is it’s going to help to sort of lower down their guard. Tell the individual that you’re thankful for them. That’s what Paul does in verse 4, I think. I thank my God always making mention of you in my prayers. That’s a pretty standard thing that Paul does in a lot of his letters. So tell the individual. I want you to know that I thank God for you. I’m thankful to have you as a brother or as a sister. Now, how would that make you feel if somebody told you that? It’d make you feel pretty good. Now, what if you can’t think of anything praiseworthy? I mean, maybe you’re dealing with a real scoundrel here. Maybe you’re dealing with a real knucklehead and you just, man, you can’t think of anything good to say about this individual.

Has that ever happened? Maybe that’s happened to us a time or two before. But I bet if you do a little thinking beforehand, that you can just about always think of something, some redeeming quality about this individual. You might have to think long and hard, but I bet you can think of something. But let’s just say that you can’t. Even if you can’t think of anything positive to say to or about someone, you can think of something positive to say toward them. In Galatians chapter 1, if you’ll turn to Galatians. Now, if you remember, Paul wasn’t very happy with the Christians in Galatia. Remember where he says starting in verse 6, I’m amazed or I marvel that you are turning so quickly from him who called you by the grace of Christ to a different gospel?

You know, that’s where you would expect at that point in his introduction and everything, where he might say, I thank God always concerning you and so forth. He skipped that. He doesn’t do that. But he does say something positive before he jumps to this rebuke starting in verse 6. He says something positive. Can you find it? It’s in verse 3. Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Now you might say, well, that’s just a standard greeting. Well, but didn’t Paul mean it? Of course he did. What did he mean? He meant, I want you to have God’s grace. I want you to be at peace with the Lord Jesus Christ. I want you to be saved and to go to heaven.

2. Appeal, Don’t Order

You see, even if you can’t say something positive about someone, you can always say something positive toward someone. And if you do that, if you start out that way, before you do any correction or instruction, that will really help you to be effective. It will make that person be more receptive and want to listen to what you have to say. Now, what’s the second component? Well, we’re going to read that in verses 8 through 16. Therefore, though I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do what is proper, yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you, since I am such a person as Paul, the aged, and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus.

But without your consent, I did not want to do anything, so that your goodness would not be in effect by compulsion, but of your own free will. For perhaps he was for this reason separated from you for a while, so that you would have him back forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord. The rule that we see him operating by here, the tactic is appeal, don’t order. Suggest, don’t command and demand. Now, Paul had the right to order Philemon. He says such in verse 8. He had the right to just command this. There might be times that you go to a brother or sister, you have this concern, you have this thing you want to teach them.

And you have the right to just command it. You could just point to a scripture that says, now you have to do it, because the scripture says you have to do it. And you would not be in the wrong to do so. You know, it’s a matter of really what’s best. It’s not a matter simply of what’s right and wrong. It’s a matter of what’s the best way to do it. All things are lawful to me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful to me, but not all things edify. 1 Corinthians 10 and verse 23. So we need to keep that in mind. Just because a thing is lawful and allowed by God does not mean it’s going to be the absolute best way to deal with it.

Here, in this case, with Philemon, the more profitable approach was to appeal to Philemon. And he does that, he says in verse 9, for love’s sake. It’s not easy to do this stuff. It’s a lot easier, perhaps, to just tell them what you want to tell them. But it takes a person of love, it takes a motive of love to appeal and not to order. Choose the absolute best words for the circumstance. This takes a great deal of wisdom. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, so that it may give grace to those who hear. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

A word fitly spoken is as apples of gold and settings of silver. These verses remind us of just how powerful it is when you can think of the right words for that particular circumstance. That’s not an easy thing to do. That is a skill that must be developed. Don’t be too quick to command. But be patient to think. What is the best way that I can say this? To have the best possible outcome. Paul’s request is to receive Onesimus as a brother, as we saw in verses 15 and 16. I think that this at least implies do not mistreat him. He’s your brother.

Colossians 4 and verse 1. It says, Masters grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a master in heaven. That was read to the church at Colossae. Well, that’s the church that Onesimus was a member of, and that Philemon was a member of, apparently. Look in verse 9, and with him Onesimus, our faithful and beloved brother, who is one of your number. So Onesimus not only delivered the letter of Philemon, he also delivered this letter of Colossians and apparently Ephesians as well, along with Titicus that would deliver Ephesians and Colossians as well. So imagine this being read publicly, and you have Onesimus and his master Philemon in the audience hearing this read, masters grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a master in heaven.

And we see the same idea in Ephesians 6 and verse 9. It might be that Philemon had mistreated Onesimus at some point in the past. I can’t say that for sure. But now he is told, regard him as a brother. Now, back in Philemon, and in verse 14, you see that Paul really approaches this from the standpoint of, I want you to make the right decision on your own free will.

Because even if your spouse, let’s say a husband demands his wife to do this or that. Even if the wife does the thing that was demanded, he has robbed her of being able to do it out of love. Because now that she does it, it will just be simply a matter of, you might say, compulsion. But if it is put in the form of a request, honey, would you like to do this? Honey, would you do this for me? Now she has the choice. She’s not been told she has to do it. She now has a choice to do it. And love cannot be coerced. Love cannot be forced. Love is a free choice. It is a matter of free will. And so I think that that would be a good rule of thumb for us to remember in relationships.

Don’t make demands. That’s not always possible with children. But your wife is not your child. And your brother and sister in the Lord is not your child, unless they are. But anyway. So just to remember, put things in the form of a question. And that is really operating by this rule here of appeal, don’t order. Make it the other person’s idea. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. I say that a lot. My dad taught me that growing up. You could convince somebody of what is right by argument or just simply by saying this is what the Bible says, and you’re right, and he knows you’re right, but he won’t be convinced to do it if it’s against his will. We’re dealing with people.

We’re not robots. We’re not computers to enter codes into. We’re dealing with emotions. So, what we want to do is artfully and with with skill, people skills, we want to make it the other person’s idea so that they will want to do it. Make them think that they came to that conclusion on their own. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Some have said, but you could put salt in his oats. And that’s in effect what Paul does here. He leads the horse to the water. He’s not forcing him to drink. He’s saying, here’s the water. He’s going to put some salt in his oats and make him thirsty. He’s going to provide motivation to make the horse want to do it on his own.

3. Use Your Relationship as a Motivator

Okay. So, we’re going to see more of that here as we go into verses 17 through 20. We’re going to go into our third component of the Philemon approach. Verse 17, if then you regard me a partner, accept him as you would me. But if he is wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge that to my account. I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will repay it, not to mention to you that you owe to me even your own self as well. Yes, brother, let me benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ. You see that Paul is using his relationship as a motivator. That’s not manipulation. It’s a tactic. And it’s something that we should use.

To use our relationship as a motivator with our brethren to help them to do the right thing. Paul and Philemon had a good relationship. Philemon had a lot of respect for Paul. Paul had converted Philemon, apparently, in the past. And so Philemon really looked up to Paul. Therefore, Paul could say these things, and it would be it would be powerful. Paul was basically saying, treat him like you would me. Do it for me. Don’t let me down.

Now, suppose you went to someone that you had no relationship with. Or that you had a negative relationship with, and you said, do it for me. Or you said, Don’t let me down. Would it work very well? Probably not, because they might not care what you think. You see. So it’s so important to develop these relationships ahead of time so that you can use this tactic. And so that that can be an additional motivation for them to do what is right. And so the point is we need to be developing these relationships now. Establish rapport with your brethren. Good rapport with your brethren. Reach out to them. Get to know them. And some of the best opportunities for that are when people are in the hospitals and people are sick.

Those are opportunities to reach out to someone and establish some sort of connection, and over time you’re going to form connections eventually, maybe with just about everybody, and that needs to be our goal. So that then when we do have a concern with one another, and something comes up, that we can go to one another in a spirit of love and address that concern, and it will be well received because now you have a relationship. Suppose you went to someone and you had never really reached out to them at all before, and all of a sudden now you’ve got a problem with them, and you’re reaching out in a negative way. You see how that might rub somebody the wrong way? Well, you mean you never tried talking to me before?

4. Express Confidence

And now you come to me because you have a concern, because you have a rebuke. You see? That might not, that might not work very well in a lot of cases. So it’s much more effective to go ahead and establish those relationships up front. The fourth and the final component is very simple and very short in verse 21. Having confidence in your obedience, I write to you, since I know that you will do even more than what I say. This is expressing confidence in your brother. Paul was voicing faith in Philemon, voicing confidence that he would do the right thing. This would be if you went to your brother and you or your sister and you expressed this concern or this instruction or maybe this rebuke, and then you know you said, Now, I am confident in you.

I know that you have a good heart. And I really believe you’re going to do the right thing. Now, only say that if you really mean it. But we can always choose to think the best of someone. I really believe that you can do this. I trust that you will do it. In fact, I think you’re going to do even more than what I say. That’s what Paul told Philemon. I think that this is a beautiful approach. Paul used this method often. If you go back to 2 Thessalonians chapter 3 and in verse 4. We have confidence in the Lord concerning you that you are doing and will continue to do what we command. You go to Galatians chapter 5. Now you remember the Galatians are the ones that he was so upset with that we talked about earlier that he said, I marvel that you are turning away from the gospel.

You look there in verse 10 of chapter 5. I have confidence in you and the Lord that you will adopt no other view, but the one who is disturbing you will bear this judgment, whoever he is. And we could look at other examples. So I think that this is something we need to try to remember. You know, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. That’s 1 Corinthians 13 and verse 7. That’s the love chapter. And the context of that is this is how we need to operate toward one another. So love hopes all things regarding our relationships and how we deal with one another. We hope all things. I think in the context, what that means is we need to hope for the best in our brethren.

Love believes all things. I think in the context, what that means is we need to believe the best about our brother and sister. I think that all too often we maybe tend to assume the worst, to think the worst, to view our brother or sister with suspicion. I’ve seen this happen in churches when someone comes forward with tears in their eyes, and the response, well, I’m not sure if they really mean it. Sometimes brethren are really good at shooting the wounded. Shame on us if we ever have that attitude. We need to think the best of one another. We need to believe in one another. And we need to encourage one another with such words as I have confidence in you, that you’re going to do even more than what I’m asking you to do.

That says a lot about, and think about if someone says that to you, what does that motivate you to do to do now? You’re thinking, I want to live up to that. This person is really trusting in me. I don’t want to let that person down. I want to live up to what they think I can do. You see? So the motivation, you want to keep it as positive as you can, and there’s going to be some negative things that have to be said. I’m not saying to avoid that. But if at all you can work in positive things. Have enough love and tact and wisdom to do just that. I believe that if we do that, that we’re really going to be very, very effective.

Conclusion

And so these four rules of thumb, you might say, from this letter to Philemon. Number one, encourage up front. Number two, appeal. Don’t order. Number three, use your relationship as a motivator. And number four, express confidence. Someone might say, Well, that’s just not my style. You know, I just cut to the chase. I don’t like all this fluff and mumbo jumbo. I just want to, if I got a problem, I just tell somebody my problem. Almost as if they’re proud of that. There is nothing to be proud of in bulldozing over your brethren. That’s not a thing to be proud of. Oh, but I was, you know, I was brave and I said what needed to be said. Well, maybe you said it in a way that wasn’t with gentleness, and that is not the divine method.

So keep in mind that the ultimate goal is not just that you say what needed to be said. What is the ultimate goal? Their salvation. And if that’s what you’re going for, you’ll do it with a great deal of caution and love. And hopefully they’ll repent or they’ll do the right thing. So this could be a matter of your brethren’s salvation and damnation. How you deal with your brethren. So very important. Would you bow your head with me in a word of prayer? Our Father, our God, we praise your name. And we are so thankful that you have granted to us not only life and salvation, but a path of how to live, a path of how to deal with our brethren in the most loving way, in the most effective way.

Father, we pray that you will give us the wisdom and the strength to use the right approach with our brethren and not to think, well, I don’t know how, and then just to give up. Help us, Father, to be bold enough to make that approach to the brother or sister who needs the correction. But to do it in a way that is with love. Father, be with us through the rest of today that we may learn much from your word as we study it in this next hour. And that when we come back together for another period of worship, that we may engulf ourselves in the worship of your name and of your Son Jesus Christ. It is through Him that we pray. Amen. We’ll now be dismissed to our Bible classes.