Why Marriages Fail

Introduction

Despite the signal that my grumpy exterior may give off. I’m an optimistic person. I generally see things from the positive and enjoy the positive rather than the negative. My glass isn’t just half full. It’s half full of sweet tea. And that is usually reflected in my preaching. I prefer preaching positive rather than negative lessons. Would much rather spend our time encouraging you in your faith rather than scolding you for your sins. If I’m honest, I’d rather preach about heaven than hell. But there’s a place and a time for a negative lesson. And the disclaimer this morning is that today’s lesson is negative.

And not just failing generally or in another aspect of life, but talk about why so many marriages failure, with the hope and the goal of achieving a positive outcome. And that is making our marriages a failure. And so while this lesson and even its title is negative, hopefully the results of this lesson will be positive. That we will look at failure and seek to avoid it. That we’ll look at failure in its definition and even in failed examples of others and seek to make our marriage the exception to the rule of failure. Because you recognize that Christianity is much more than just a religious going through the motions. That our Christianity involves more than religious rituals, rites, and going to church, that it pervades every facet and aspect of our lives.

That to be a child of God means being a child of God in our marriage relationships. And succeeding in that.

Certainly high on the list of failure of a failed marriage would be a marriage that ends in divorce. By its very definition, that’s failure, isn’t it? Because the marriage ceases to be a marriage anymore. It has, on its face, failed. Divorce. Divorce used to be one of those things for members of the church, at least, that used to be over there. But sadly, it’s right here now. In my lifetime, I can remember gospel preachers getting up and preaching a lesson on divorce, and almost every lesson would begin the same way. With the quoting of shocking statistics of how many divorces there are in a week or a month or a year. But we don’t do that anymore. Because we don’t need to be shocked with statistics anymore, do we?

We know the reality of the failure of divorce. It’s no longer over there. It’s now right here. Every one of us has been touched by the failure of divorce. Either your parents, your children, your siblings, a close friend, brother or sister in Christ, or maybe even your own marriage has ended in divorce. And a divorce for various reasons, there’s always the cause of infidelity, of unfaithfulness, of adultery that breaks that bond so severely, and the trust is gone, and it feels like it cannot be repaired. And again, in perception, at least, that used to be over there. But now, sadly, for too many of us, it’s right here. But there’s divorce for other reasons. There’s just the what do divorce papers call it? Incompatibility, irreconcilable differences.

We just don’t love each other anymore. And we don’t want to see our lives in this relationship anymore, and so we just divorce.

But if we’re honest, there’s other types of failure in marriage, isn’t there? There’s what we might call nearly divorced. That’s those who have not and maybe will never go to the court of law and dissolve this marriage relationship, but it’s not really much of a marriage to begin with. That rather enjoying this union, they’re just enduring it. It’s the basis for the old joke that marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to spend the rest of their life in an institution? And for too many, marriage feels like that. We just trot along, endure one another, despise one another until death blissfully lets us part. And sadly, that’s the reality for too many people. And that’s not the ideal, and that’s not what God meant it to be.

And though divorce has not, and again, may never be the end of that marriage, no right-thinking individual would look at that and say that is anything but failure. If we’re talking about failure, we would have to rank up there a marriage that fails to be what it ought to be, in God’s plan, at least, for our children. Marriages that are not training grounds for good godly children, where we’re not raising our children and the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. That though there’s not a divorce, may even be a good union between husband and wife, but if we have failed our children who are the result of that marriage, we would have to say that marriage on some level is a failure. And so we’ve defined failure.

1. No True Commitment

But now let’s look at why. Why is that so common? Why is that the sad reality of too many marriages? And again, though this lesson, any lesson with the word fail in its title, is bound to be negative, I want you to begin to see this as a positive because we can avoid these. And so let’s talk about the reasons for failure. One reason for failure is no true commitment in this marriage relationship. Turn with me, if you will, in your New Testament to the book of Matthew, chapter 19. Jesus speaks, and despite what the world, maybe even the religious world, would have you to believe, Jesus speaks in unmistakable, clear language of what our marriages are to be and how long they are to be.

In Matthew chapter 19, Jesus has asked a question. Matthew 19, verse 3, the Pharisees came to him testing him, saying to him, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason? And he answered and said, Have you not read that he who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Verse 6, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate. Again, we need help to misunderstand that text. Jesus says, What God joins together, husband and wife, one flesh in marriage, man is not to separate.

That echoes the words of God in the book of Malachi, where it says, God hates divorce. We need to understand that one of the primary reasons for failure is because we do not go into these marriage relationships. We do not exist daily in our marriage relationships with the true commitment that this is for life. Divorce is not an option. Now, the pessimistic view of that is, oh great, I’m stuck. But that’s not God’s ideal. God is not sentencing you to a lifetime of punishment by saying what God is joined together, let not man separate. What God is trying to get us to see, I believe, and I believe the scriptures bear that out, and we’ll see some of those scriptures this morning, is that our view of that should change our commitment, our view, our words, and our actions in that marriage relationship.

I have the commitment that I will not separate. And that is borne out in everything that I do in that relationship. Well, let’s illustrate it this way. Imagine if we had a law in this country. That said, when you got your driver’s license, much like a marriage license, when you get your driver’s license, you get one car. The car you get then is the car you’ll have for the rest of your life. You only get one. Two things I think would result from that from the wise among us at least, is number one, we’d be careful, wouldn’t we? We wouldn’t just grab any car. We would be careful and judicious to make sure that we would do some research to make sure that we got the right car.

But then, secondly, and maybe just as, if not more important, how would you treat that car? Knowing that it’s the only one you’ll get, and it’s to last you for a lifetime. The wise among us would never miss an oil change. We would see a flood of carports and garages being built. You wouldn’t leave that thing out in the weather. Not just carports and garages, we would air condition and heat those garages to take care of that. Because it’s got to last for a lifetime. See, we wouldn’t just feel like, well, I’m stuck with this car. It would change how we view it, how we treat it, and how we take care of it. Because we would recognize the value of this lifelong commitment we’re making.

What God is saying is that when you go to the courthouse and get a marriage license, that’s the way you should view marriage. Be judicious in entering into this relationship. But the understanding of the lifelong commitment will add to it great care for the relationship and for our partners in that relationship. But marriages fail for that lack of commitment. Because if I recognize that I can get out of this anytime I want, and all it’s going to cost me is $99, then I’m doomed to fail from the start.

No true commitment is the cause of too many failures in marriage.

2. Selfishness, the Greatest Enemy of Love

Another reason marriage failed has to be selfishness. That’s probably true of so many relationships. Selfishness is the greatest antidote and enemy to commitment and to love that there is. Turn with me, if you will, to the book of Ephesians, chapter 5. Familiar text. You knew we would end up there eventually in talking about the marriage relationship. But let’s look at Ephesians chapter 5 and look at these two components to marriage, wives and husbands, and the responsibilities placed upon them, and let’s look at them through the lens of selfishness, or if you’re a fellow optimist, through the lens of selflessness. Paul, as you know, or the Holy Spirit, through Paul, is going to address both parties. He turns to the wives. And he says, Wives, here is your responsibility.

Then he turns to the husbands and says, Husbands, here is your responsibility.

To where maybe we would be wise in saying that for half the audience at least, don’t read that section. And what I mean by that is this. So many times the husbands want to read the wives’ section, and the wives want to read the husband’s section.

And focus upon that section of what the other partner ought to be doing, should be doing, and is not doing. That’s why we’re the trouble that we’re in. Rather than, rather than focusing upon that, focusing upon the section that was addressed to them. And so, wives, read your section. Husbands, listen to what the Holy Spirit says to you. Wives, he says in Ephesians 5, verse 22, wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church. And he’s the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Two things I know about that section.

Number one, that is tough. That’s hard language any way you interpret it. Submit to your husbands. If he stopped there, that would be a hard enough pill to swallow. But he says, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. As the church submits to Christ, you submit. So I understand that that is a difficult command placed upon the wives in this relationship. But the second thing I know about this is that if that difficult command is to be fulfilled in our marriage, that it has to be rid of selfishness. That requires a wife to not think of herself, but to think of her husband. Every day of that marriage. She is submitting to her husband and putting him first and her interest second, or if she has children, maybe sometimes third or fourth.

Selfishness destroys that concept. Well, look at husbands. Verse 25. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself, a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies, for he who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hates his own body, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church. Two things I know about that section. Number one, that’s tough. Love your wives as Christ loved the church. That’s an equally high and difficult bar that has been set for the husband.

The second thing I know about that text is that it requires removing selfishness from the equation. No husband full of self is going to love his wife as Christ loved the church. And so that means every day of that marriage, that husband puts his wife first. And himself and his own interest second. And if they have children, maybe that means third or fourth. Selfishness. It’s the greatest enemy of love and commitment in our marriages. And so I want to challenge the wives in our audience to ignore the section that speaks to husbands and what they ought to be doing. And you focus upon the section that says what you’re to be doing in your marriages, in submitting yourself to your husband as to the Lord. Husbands, I equally challenge you to ignore what your wife is supposed to be doing, and you focus upon what you’re to be doing in this relationship in loving your wives as Christ loved the church.

3. A Misunderstanding of Love and Respect

And your marriage won’t be a failure. Another reason for failure in our marriages is just a complete misunderstanding of what God requires in this relationship in regard to love and respect. He has talked in Ephesians chapter 5, he’s talked to wives, singularly. And let me clarify a little bit what I mean by husbands, ignoring that, because so many times husbands want to look at that passage and say to the wives, you’re supposed to submit to me. You need to be submitting to me the whole time he’s ignoring the part that says of how he is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. And we misunderstand what God’s role for us is in our marriages. And so he spoke to wives and said what wives are to do.

He spoke to husbands and said what husbands were to do. And notice how he summarizes this in the last verse, Ephesians chapter 5 and in verse 33. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself. And let the wife see that she respects her husband.

God who is uniquely and singularly qualified to know what we need in these relationships, sums it up this way. Wives, respect your husbands. Husbands, love your wives. What’s interesting to observe there is that he used two different words. Because he was talking to two different individuals. I don’t want to get lost on a tangent. But despite what the world might be fostering upon us, men and women are different. Did you ever think you’d have to stand up and explain that? We’re different. Despite what the world would have you to believe, science backs that up too. We’re different in almost every sense of the word. What we need in this relationship is different. And guess who knew that before we did? God did. And so God said, husbands, you know what your wife needs.

If you’re to put her first, you know what she needs. She needs you to love her as you love yourself. And so husbands need to be about understanding that. That’s what the scripture says. Live with her in an understanding way. Understand her needs. Understand what love is in this relationship. And by the way, guys, let’s be honest. We need help understanding that. Learn what that means and practice it. But interestingly enough, when he now turns to the wives, he doesn’t say, wives, love your husbands. Maybe there’s two reasons. This is just speculation on my part, but maybe there’s two reasons he did not turn around and use the same language to wives love your husbands. Maybe because he understood that that would come more naturally to women anyway.

But also maybe because that’s not what the man needs. He needs respect.

4. Failing to Include God in the Relationship

That’s what he’s craving. Not your love, your respect. She’s craving husbands, not necessarily your respect, but your love. Now, don’t misunderstand me. Those aren’t mutually exclusive. But when he says, here is your responsibility, here is your role in this relationship, here is what your partner needs to make this marriage a success, he says, husbands, love your wives. Wives, see that you respect your husbands. Lastly, marriages fail, undoubtedly, when we fail to include God in the relationship.

No self-help book, no book on marriage, will move the needle one bit, until God becomes the center and the focus of this relationship. We understand these passages. It’s not in man that walketh to direct his own steps.

But do we recognize that applies in marriage too? Let’s just be honest with ourselves that in this relationship, in this regard, I don’t know what I need to do. And so I turn to God and say, God, show me. It requires humility of praying to God, of studying his word, and including God every day in the relationship between husbands and wives, and fathers and mothers and children. If your marriage is a failure, recognize that failure. And turn to the one who can make it a success. Humble yourselves. And as husbands and wives, get on your knees, hold hands, and humble yourself and go to God and say, God, we have failed. Show us the right way. In this passage in Ephesians chapter 5, he says in verse 32, this is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Conclusion

When thinking of a relationship to compare husbands and wives to, he can think of no loftier relationship than Christ and the church. And before we begin talking about making our marriages or any relationship in this life what it ought to be, we must think about making our relationship to God what it ought to be. Would you come to Christ in obedience this morning? Would you believe in his word? Confess your faith before this good audience of people. Repent of your sins, to walk in them no more, to abandon selfishness and sinfulness and to turn to the way of God and to be baptized for the mission of your sins. Maybe you’ve done that, but you failed. You failed in your relationships, you failed in every aspect of life.

Humble yourself and come to the cross and be saved this morning. If we can help you in any spiritual way, let it be known. As together we stand and as we sing.