Does It Take A Village? (2001 Mar 11)

Introduction

Shortly before the presidential election of 1996, then First Lady Hillary Clinton released a book that she had written that in the end went on to create a storm of controversy that would rage throughout that election year. She entitled her book, It Takes a Village, and borrowed that title from an old African proverb which said, It takes a village to raise a child. I never read her book, not much more than the introduction of it anyway, but I found myself utterly captivated with the national debate that it sparked over who exactly it is that is responsible for raising children. There was at that time and continues to be a segment of our culture who, drawing from the title of the book, argued that it is the job of all of us, of culture as a whole, of the village, if you will, to have a hand in rearing and raising children.

And of course, there were those who were of the opposite opinion, who argued that it is not society’s job. It is not the task of the village to raise children, but it is the job of parents, and the job of parenting is to be done in the home. Children are be raised by what’s done at home, not by the culture. And so the debate raged throughout the election year. What I find fascinating, brethren, isn’t so much the discussion that went on about that book, but what I’m convinced are the reasons behind the conversation that Americans had with themselves about this subject. I think the reason that book sparked so much controversy and garnered so much attention is because I think generally it is recognized in this country by people on both sides that we are living in a time where our children are neglected.

I want you to appreciate with me, brethren, that some drastic changes have taken place over the last 50 years in this country. There’s been an entire cultural shift regarding homes and families. A shift that has not at all been to the benefit of our children. Fifty years ago, 80% of all children grew up at a home that looked like this. They had a mom and a dad who were their mom and dad, who lived in their home with their biological children. They had a dad who’d get up in the morning and go off to work. He was the breadrunner. He earned money to support the family, and mom stayed at home and managed the affairs of the home. 80% of kids 50 years ago grew up in a home that looked like that.

Do you know how many kids today are growing up in homes that look like that? Statistically, less than 7%. Brethren, that is an incredible cultural shift that has had trickle-down effects all through American life. Divorce and sexual immorality have increased enormously the number of single-parent families. And what an impossible task is laid upon their shoulders. To try to be mother and father, breadwinner and nurturer, to work a full-time job eight to ten hours a day and still needing time to come home and fix dinner, run the kids to ball practice and music lessons, help with homework, conduct family devotionals, and pay the bills. If they just didn’t have to sleep, it might be a workable schedule. Let’s be honest about that, folks. However much we might want to commend those who, by no decision of their own, have been put in that situation.

Single parent families are resulting in the neglect of children. There isn’t enough hours in the day. And I’m sorry, but we need to be honest about that. And it’s happening in two parent families as well. 70% of mothers with children under the age of 18 work outside the home. And even with a mom and dad working together, it’s a challenge to work eight hours a day or ten hours a day and then go home and cover all the bases that need to be covered at home and to take care of all the things that need to be taken care of with our children. And the bottom line about that is, brethren, we don’t want to hear it, but because parents are so busy, and because in the vast majority of families today, both mom and dad are working, children are being neglected.

And that’s just the reality of it. I think what has heightened concern on the part of Americans is that we are beginning to suffer dramatic consequences because we’ve neglected our children. Think about what we’ve seen in the rash of school shootings over the last couple of years. Just this past week, Andy Williams, 15 years old, freshman at Santana High School in Santee, California, took a gun to school and fired 30 shots in the boys’ bathroom and killed two of his classmates. They buried one of those boys yesterday, and they’ll bury the other one today. But have you really paid attention to the news reports? You learned something about the home that Andy grew up in. He was from a broken home. His mother lives in South Carolina.

He lived with his dad in Santee, California. A single parent. And reports are that he was left with a lot of unsupervised time. In fact, not one news report said that an agency had contacted, a news agency had contacted his mother in South Carolina and had asked about the situation. And she said it came to a total surprise at her. She said, I know I’ve talked to him at least once since the first of the year, and he seemed okay. Did you catch that? Once since the first of the year? Like she could have a clue if he was alright. What kind of home was he growing up in? One of the boys who did all the killing at Columbine High School reportedly had an arsenal of guns and bombs in his bedroom and stored in his garage, had his own website that was literally full of hate and violent material, and reportedly his parents didn’t have a clue.

Well, why not? How can your child have an arsenal of weapons in his bedroom and a parent not know? Listen, my kids can leave their room pretty dirty, but they couldn’t hide bombs in it. But beyond the dramatic headlines of the quiet tragedies that play out every day in life with little media attention. The drug use, the failing grades, the suicide, the gang violence, the sexual immorality that reflect parental neglect. I came across a fascinating statistic I want to share with you a while back, and I don’t mean to be crass when I say this. But brethren, if you had to guess, if teenagers were going to commit fornication, when do you think they would do it? If you’ve got in your mind’s eye Friday night parked in the backseat of a car on some lonely road somewhere, you’re wrong about that.

You know when teens have sex and where? It’s at home during the week. Listen to me. Between three and five o’clock in the afternoon. You know what that gap of time represents? You see it? It’s the time between school letting out and two parent working families. Mom and dad getting home from work. I ask you this morning, who’s going to be responsible for these neglected children. Again, there are some voices in our culture that say the village must take responsibility for them. It’s the job of society to care for them and to address these problems of neglect. And I sat and I listened with dismay again this week at the inevitable discussion that goes on in the aftermath of these incidents of school violence as the politicians and the experts talk to us about solutions, talk to us about what has to be done.

What will we do about these troubled kids? I heard one man on the radio say this week, we just need to train our school counselors better. If we could just train them to be able to pick out these kids that are going to commit acts of violence like this, then boy, we could solve the problem. Right. Like you could take one overworked school counselor and trainer enough to be able to look out over two or three thousand high school kids and peg the one among all the troubled ones that’s going to go off the deep end and do something like this. Come on. Someone says, well, we just need more after school government sponsored programs to help out these displaced children. Right. Like if we just get them to play a little more basketball after school, that’s going to solve the deep seated problems that they have.

And you know they’re inevitably the cries for more gun control, as though one more licensing law would prevent this child from doing the things that he did. And I saw a new one taking place this week that really bothers me. I hope you won’t misunderstand what I’m about to say. But you know, there were three or four kids who knew Andy Williams and heard him talk about shooting up the school. And like kids, they didn’t know how to take that. Was he kidding? Was he serious? And you know, there are fingers of blame being pointed at those children. Well, folks, I wish they’d said something. And I’d urge our young people, if you ever hear something like that, to tell somebody. But to say that somehow this is their fault.

And to say that solution is to get our teenagers to be the ones responsible to watch out and find those who are capable of such violence. Brethren, we’re missing the boat. And I’m going to tell you something else about that. Those who say that if we’ll just post the Ten Commandments and recite the Lord’s Prayer in the public school, and that’ll solve the problem, they’re missing the boat too. I’m here to tell you, folks, that none of these things, nor all of them combined, will do anything to solve the problem because society can’t fix it. No government program can do it. No amount of government money can do it because it addresses the wrong source. The problem we’re facing with our neglected children can only be solved by addressing those to whom God has given the responsibility for children.

1. Parents Are Responsible for Raising Their Children

And who is that? It’s the mom and dad. As I think about this debate that is raged and continues to rage about who’s going to help our kids, I want to begin with you this morning by making a critical point that I hope you’ll appreciate with me. As we debate the issue of does it take a village, I want to say emphatically to you this morning this, and that is that parents are responsible for raising their children. And the only way we will reverse the trends of neglect and the subsequent troubles and violence that follow it is by getting parents to take care of that responsibility. I want you to notice some Bible passages with me. I want you to notice that this principle of parents being responsible for their children is a principle that is age old, tried and true, and consistent among God’s covenant with his people.

God has always required that parents take up the duty to raise and instruct and teach their children. Deuteronomy chapter 6 is such a great example of that. Here Israel is encamped on the very border of the promised land, ready to go up and conquer it. Ready to realize all that they had dreamed and hoped for. Moses, the great leader who had brought them this point because of sin wouldn’t be allowed to go in. He’s going to die. But before he does, in the book of Deuteronomy, he gives this farewell address to the people. And one of the things he was concerned about is that they would get into the land and they would settle there and they would enjoy all its privileges and they would forget about God, and a generation would come along that didn’t know him, and boy, he wanted to say something about that, and he did repeatedly in this book.

Look with me at Deuteronomy 6 and verse 1. Moses says, Now, now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, so that listen to this, verse 2, so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God to keep all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged. Listen to his earnest appeal, verse 3. O Israel, you should listen, and be careful to do it, that it may be well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers has promised you in a land flowing with milk and honey.

Hear, O Israel, he says in verse 4, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one, and you shall love the Lord with your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. Verse 6, and these words that I’m commanding you today shall be on your heart. Here’s the key, verse 7, and you shall teach them diligently to your sons, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as fruttles on your forehead, and you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

How would they be sure? That generation and after generation, the Israelites remembered the Lord their God. And followed his statutes and kept his commandments. How would they be sure that happened? He says in verse 7, by mamas and daddies doing their job. By taking these laws and teaching them to your sons and talking about them all the time. Make them the atmosphere of your home. Moses says to them. Why, verse 2? So that you and your sons and your grandsons might fear the Lord your God to keep his statutes and his commandments. In chapter 4 and verse 9 of Deuteronomy, this thought again is seen repeatedly throughout the book. In chapter 4 and verse 9, he says, only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, unless they depart from your heart all the days of your life, but make them known to your sons and your grandsons.

Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God at Hora, when the Lord said to me, Assemble the people to me, that I may let them hear my words, so that they may learn to fear me all the days that they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children. According to Moses, it was the responsibility of the parents to be sure that the covenant and his statutes was instilled in the hearts of their children. Not all parents, all parents in the Old Testament succeeded in doing that. In 1 Samuel chapter 3 and in verse 13, God would pronounce a curse on the house of Eli. And if you’ll notice there in 1 Samuel chapter 3 and verse 13, one of the reasons Eli’s house came to be cursed is because his sons had been wicked and had failed to keep the covenant.

And the end of verse 13 says, And he did not rebuke them. There is implied within that statement a responsibility that it was the job of Eli, their father, to address the sin of his sons, to speak to them about their violation of the covenant. And the text says he didn’t do it. He didn’t rebuke them. In Proverbs chapter 1 and verse 8. Solomon would urge his son, hear my son, your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck. Solomon would urge his son, and I think by way of application, all children, listen to your mother, listen to your father as they give wise counsel and instruction. But there’s something implicit within that demand.

It is that parents would be supplying to their children the guidance and the instruction they would need so that they might heed what their parents are telling them. You just go through the Old Testament, brethren, and it is consistent time and time again that it was God’s expectation that the parents would teach and train their children. And upon them alone that responsibility is placed. And that thought is continued under his covenant with us. Returning in your Bibles, if you will, to the New Testament, to Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4. In Ephesians 6 and verse 4, Paul would speak specifically to fathers. And he would say to us, do not provoke your children to anger. Listen, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord.

Whose job is it? To bring up children. It’s the daddy’s job. It’s the mother’s job. Moms and dads must lovingly supply what their children need for every facet of their lives to be brought to maturity, healthy and strong. They must provide the rules and the instructions and the rewards and the punishments and the encouragement and the discipline that kids need to become the kind of mature men and women of God that He would want them to be. And Luke 2 and verse 52, we’re told of Jesus as a child, that he grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and men. He grew up well rounded. That’s what God is saying is the responsibility of a mother and father to nurture and supply their children with everything they need for every facet of their being to be brought to maturity healthy.

I would remind you, brethren, that that’s a responsibility that God did not lay at the feet of the village or at the feet of society, or even at the feet of the church, but at the feet of parents. And it occurs to me that God places that responsibility there. Because there isn’t anyone else on the face of the earth who has greater opportunity or ability to accomplish the task. Nobody can raise our kids better than we can. No school teacher or counselor, no preacher or Bible class teacher has what I have with my kids. They don’t have the relationship that I have with my kids. They don’t know my kids like I know my kids. I’ve been watching them for 11 years and nine years and know all about the whole world of experiences to which they’ve been exposed and those to which they’ve not been exposed.

And nobody else understands that on this earth like me and my wife do. No one has the opportunity, the time together that I have with them. No one commands their respect like their mama and daddy do. During these formative years, what we say carries more weight with our kids than what anyone else on the face of the earth said. You ever listen to a little boy defend his daddy? It doesn’t matter who he’s arguing with, he could be arguing with the president of the United States, and if he suggested that his daddy was wrong, that little boy stop his feet and say, not my dad, wouldn’t it? Because what his dad says is right, even if it’s not. No one is better equipped or supplied to do for this child what he needs done in his mom and dad.

And so, folks, listen. We better get with it. We can’t sit in an assembly like here and merely acknowledge mentally that yes, it’s not the village, it’s the parent, it’s the home and the family. That grand truth needs to have a practical reality in our lives. I need to be bringing them up. God’s word needs to permeate the atmosphere of our homes. If I could modernize Deuteronomy 6 and verse 7, it would be to say that we need to be talking about God’s word when we get up in the morning and have breakfast. And we’re riding around together in the car. And when we’re preparing the Bible class lessons, and some of us need to think about that. And as they go to sleep at night.

We need to be talking about God’s word. There needs to be teaching from me and rules and encouragement and rewards and rebuke and punishment and all built upon the guidance drawn from God’s word.

I’m concerned that even among God’s people today, that we’re getting caught up in the rush of our society. And maybe our kids aren’t shooting up schools, but they’re getting neglected in terms of what they need to grow up into mature spiritual men and women of God. Some folks may get angry with me about what I’m about to say, but I sure hope you’ll think about it. We have too many moms among God’s people today that are working outside the home. And too much growing acceptance among God’s people that that’s okay. Brethren, we need to be working harder to keep our moms at home. And like it or not, we need to acknowledge that when they’re not, that’s not what’s good for our kids. We need to avoid getting so busy and caught up in the urgent rush of this life that we neglect the spiritual training that we need to be doing for our children.

2. The Village Has a Part in That Too

I just hope you’ll think about that, brethren. Because this business of raising our kids needs to have in our life a practical reality. Nothing will do more to reverse the disastrous trends that we see among our young people today than getting our moms and b dads back to their God given work of bringing up their kids. I want to say to you emphatically this morning that it is the job of parents to raise their kids. And that’s what will fix what ails our society. Moms and dads doing their job. Well, if you give me one more minute. Well, more than one, but not too many. I want to say something to you about the village before we’re done. It’s the job of parents to raise kids, but folks, I want to say to you secondly this morning that the village has a part in that too.

But I want you to understand when I talk about the village, I’m not talking about the government and I’m not talking about society. I’m talking about this one. Folks, the people of God have an important community that God wants to help us in our effort to raise our kids. And I’m talking about the community of believers. Now don’t misunderstand me. It is not the job of the church to raise my kids. But let me say with equal emphasis, it is the job of brothers and sisters in Christ to provide a support system as we strive to do that. See the difference. Keep in mind that our young people are an important part of our spiritual family here at South Bumpy. And as such, we have toward them the same responsibilities that we have toward any member of the spiritual family.

I think about the instruction of Paul in Galatians chapter 6 and verse 1, where he talked about how if one is overcome in a trespass, what are we supposed to do? What’s our job? Restore them in a spirit of gentleness. We owe that to our young people. To watch for them as they might get tripped up in the potential uh pitfalls of this life. And it is the job of us as their spiritual family to help them avoid those. I think about the word of Paul when he wrote, when he wrote to the Thessalonians in 1 Thessalonians chapter 5 and verse 14. And he says, And we urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with all men. That duty applies to all brethren, but certainly it encompasses the young that are among us.

I need to help them through their weaknesses and through their struggles. Hebrews 10 and verse 24, the Hebrew writer urged us to consider how we might stimulate one another to love and good deeds. I need to be thinking about our young people and how they can be stimulated to serve the Lord more fervently, and how I can be a part in helping to motivate. These instructions apply to all of us in our relationship with each other, including our young people. Perhaps better put, especially are they applicable to the young among us. You know, brother, when I was originally developing this series of lessons, I was determined not to just make it a lesson for parents or a series for parents. And I hope that none of you, when I got up last Sunday and said, We’re going to talk about raising kids that turn out right, said to yourself, David, I’m 80 years old.

My kids are grown up, they have kids, and their kids have kids. Go ahead and preach it for the other folks, and I’ll I’ll turn my hearing aid back on in a couple of months when you get done. I want you to know that every last one of us need to be concerned about the plight of our young people, need to understand what they’re faced with today, and need to provide assistance in helping them. If I could speak personally for a minute, I really hope that some of you out there with gray hair and hearing aids will keep your eye on Todd and Jonathan. And if you see them going the wrong direction, that you give them some of the wisdom that only comes with the mileage and help them out.

I’d appreciate it. But more importantly, we have a responsibility to do that for each other. Now I want to build on that thought. And I want to say to you this morning that we also need to be helping out each other as parents when it comes to the challenging work of parenting. We need to encourage each other, because parenting can sometimes have its discouraging moments. We need to depend on each other for guidance and direction. And watch this one.

And warn each other when we are getting off track. Bible tells us to do that. If you look over to the book of Titus for a minute, to Titus chapter 2, starting in verse 3. Titus says that it is the business of the spiritual family to get involved in helping parents with their job of rearing children. In Titus chapter 2 and verse 3, it says, older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good. Listen, verse 4. That they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands that the word of God may not be dishonored.

Among the things that older women are to come to the aid of younger women about is children. I’m disappointed that we’re living in a time where I’m convinced less and less of that’s happening. I mean, less and less of it’s happening in culture generally. Dennis Rainey, in his book on rearing the adolescent, tells about a time. He grew up in Memphis, and he tells about a time when he was at the local Dairy Queen one Friday night and he got into a fight. And he said, in the 15 minutes that it took him to drive home from Dairy Queen, word had got around, other parents had heard, and before he’d gotten home, somebody had already called his mom and dad. And when he walked in the door, they knew what had happened.

He said, I couldn’t squeal my tires at a stoplight without my mom and dad knowing before I got home. And folks don’t do that anymore. Even in the church, I’ve sensed over the few years that I’ve been preaching that there is a reluctance on the part of Christians to go to each other when there’s concern over kids. Brethren, I’ve heard more gossip than I’ve seen real action.

And I know why folks are reluctant to do that. Because we don’t want to get pounced when we say something to someone about the way they’re raising their kids. And I know that happens too. I remember in one church where I was preaching, we had a family, had two beautiful daughters, and then out of due season, they had this son. And I don’t know what the right word is to use to describe this boy, monster comes to mind. He was just, he was just the test of his parents’ faith. And it was evident they didn’t know what to do with him. And there had been a number of public gatherings where a number of Christians were there, and he’d had an uproar, and two things happened.

He was way out of line, and mom and dad hadn’t handled it. And finally the elders of the church decided they need to go and warn these parents about the dangerous direction things were going. And so they went to them and they sat down and they said, We’re really concerned. And here’s some things we’re seeing, and here’s some suggestions. And you know how that went over? Would like a lead balloon make the point.

As men who will answer to God in judgment if they don’t. And as responsible brothers and sisters in Christ, fulfilling their obligation. Folks, I hope we can change that sad state of affairs. I want to say to those who are more older and mature in the congregation, maybe who’ve raised your kids successfully. When you see things that aren’t right, we need you to say something. Especially the older ones who’ve been through the experience and you’ve raised your kids and you see the disturbing trends, we need you to say something. And the love and the relationship we share in the body of Christ demands such. We need the benefit of that wisdom to avoid those mistakes. And I tell you something else. Even if you raised your kids and it didn’t turn out so well, and you see others making the mistakes you made, we need you to say something about that.

Will you help us? Because we need it. And let me say, secondly, to those of us who are in the middle of the fray and who need the guidance, we need to get over our pride and listen. To have a child with problems to make mistakes and parenting is not the end of the world. I want to meet the one who hasn’t made the mistakes. The important thing is to have the maturity, to listen to wise counsel and use it. Listen to the writer of Proverbs. A couple more passages real quick, and we’ll be done this morning. Look, for example, in Proverbs chapter 13 and verse 18, and apply his thought here to what we’re saying about listening as older ones try to guide us in the rearing of our children.

In Proverbs 13 and verse 18, he says, poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, but he who regards reproof will be honored. See. In chapter 15 and verse 12, he says, a scoffer does not love one who reproves him. He will not go to the wise.

Conclusion

When someone tells me that my kids have messed up and they’ve done the wrong thing. But I sure need to. In chapter 15 of Proverbs and verse 31, it says, He whose ear listens to life giving reproof will dwell among the wise. He who neglects discipline despises himself. But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding. There’s the one right there. But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding or wisdom. If we’ll just listen when older, wiser ones try to steer us in the right direction. We’ll be better parents. Think about that. Parents determined to do their job, guided in the process by the inspired word of God, and supported and helped along in the process by experienced success of those who’ve gone before. You know what that is, brethren?

That’s a formula for raising kids that turn out right. It is my prayer that we’ll all do our part to make that formula work. Take out your song, if you would, please, and turn to the number that’s selected as the invitation song.

While you’re doing that, I would just encourage our guests to come back next week. We’re going to continue this series, raising kids that turn out right. Drawing our lesson once again from Deuteronomy chapter 6, particularly in verse 6, and we’re going to talk about how it all begins with me. What we want in our children begins with what is first in us. And I hope you’ll come back when we talk about that. I’d close this morning by reminding you that we need God’s wisdom and guidance for raising our children, for being good parents. But brethren, we need God’s wisdom and guidance for everything. And it may be this morning that there’s someone who’s not a Christian. And you need God’s wisdom and guidance now to lead you to obey him and to do the things he’d want you to do.

If you’ve never obeyed your Lord, but you know Jesus Christ is the Son of God. You know you need to turn from a life that the world is living in sin and turn and live for him. And all that remains is for you to be baptized in water for the remission of your sins, as God’s wisdom leads us to do. I want you to know that behind this window there’s a baptistry, the water is warm, there’s garments for you to wear. Everything is prepared for you to follow the wisdom of God and obey. What would you choose for yourself this morning? To follow the path of those who reject Him? Or to submit your life to Him, living by His wisdom, enjoying all the benefits of walking in His light.

Do you need to obey Him today? If you do, come to the front right right now, while we stand and while we sing.